Monday, August 13, 2001

When I finally came to the realization that I can be a real jackass, it came to me. Why is it that I can’t be what people want me to be? Why is it that I’m gonna lose the best relationship I’ve ever had because my consuming feelings of inadequacy and meagerness? (That meaning: I don’t feel I’m on the same emotional level or as intense as my significant other) No matter how much I push and motivate, I can’t seem to conquer that much less anything.

As I review my emotional life over the past decade, I’ve come to recognize one major cornerstone to which I’ve built my life upon. As far as I can remember, my greatest ambition was to be autonomous. I guess I’ve always wanted to prove that I am capable of taking care of myself and that I people don’t have to waste their time worrying about me. But truth be told, as I overlooked my past, I found things that I weren’t particular pleasing.

I discovered that my means of achieving independence weren’t and still are not giving me quite the ends I was hoping for. The following are the keys flaws I noted in my review of myself:
1. Sometimes I’d actually prefer solitude to time with close friends.
2. I’ve never had a relationship, with the exception of one, that lasted longer than 2 months. One of my previous blog’s screamed with self-reliance (not to mention overwhelming pessimistic overtones); in comparing love to co-dependency.
3. I’ve always depended on myself financially, physically and emotionally.

I guess this all isn’t as bad as I perceive it to be, reading it on paper. However, it’s just that sometimes my dreams of becoming totally independent interfere with another cornerstone in the foundation of my life, which is the desire to make everyone happy. When this gets in the way, it creates a glitch, which I loathe to the freakin core. This most often takes place in note #2, which is where I end up injuring not only someone who cares a great deal about me, but I end up making myself more psychologically callous in the process. Could it be characterized as a fear of emotional intimacy or just a fanatical dedication to autonomy? I have no freakin clue.

Oh, I think I have a headache.

This is Dr. Jack, signing off.

P.S I warned you that you might get lost. Heed the forewarnings before entering the psyche of Jack! I’m so freakin weird. Who says, “heed”?

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