Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Another Trench

I’m in a state of chaos right now. I detect an ample part of myself acting in ways I didn’t think feasible. It’s almost like I’m observing myself from a distance and lately I’m not pleased with what I’ve seen. The way I’ve conducted myself recently is definitely not to my contentment. It’s like I’m witnessing the mocking, sarcastic, disdainful, and ill-mannered spectacle I’ve put on in the past few days and I can’t do anything about it. Struggling with a nagging stomach pain and splitting head and body aches, I can’t seem to get myself to behave in a positive manner. I don’t understand. In addition, I feel like I’m being egocentric. I don't understand, I’m an egocentriphobic, by normal unconscious decision. Or at least I think I am.

I’m airborne. No really. I feel like something tossed me into the air a couple days ago and I don’t know which way is down anymore. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this way before. I think I’m close to the ground but when I reach out I can’t touch it. Maybe it’s just one of those weeks, maybe not. I don’t get it. It’s usually clear. There is zero visibility out here. Am I dreaming?

I’m sorry all. If I’ve been acting odd lately, like I’m dismayed or selfish or even mocking, I am so sorry. Every day I’m working hard to get rid of that persona. I promise to make a conscious effort to all of you to stop. I am really sorry.

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