Wednesday, January 02, 2002

Today is exquisite

I woke up this morning remarkably positive. It was quite startling considering the weekend I just survived. I thought maybe I’ll feel a little brokenhearted, inconsolable or possibly even distraught but to my surprise, I don’t. The day is exceptional. I haven’t heard the words, “I’m sorry”, “It’s not your fault”, “that sucks” or “awe” all morning. Sweet Jesus, if I hear someone verbalize any more sympathy in conversation again, the day will be shot to hell.

The foray

Simple narrative: We chose to say goodbye to each other because I was falling in love with him. I knew it was gonna happen as soon as the sentence rolled off my lips but I didn’t care. I’m glad its over. I’m glad I’m single again; it puts concerns into a better perspective. The things I couldn’t see nor believe about myself came into full view and I noticed the GYNORMUS advertisement in the top of the window. It read, “I’m sorry you pushed so hard to be someone you’ll never be.” Then it said something about the army or navy but I stray from the point (but since I’ve taken a little departure from the subject, I just want to add, if you feel a bitter overtone to this, sorry it was really not meant to come off the way, honestly). I’m glad I feel hurt and slightly disillusioned. Melancholic you say? Nah, not really.

The Closing Stages

I’m fine. I’m not shoving ice cream down my throat and crying, while Sleepless in Seattle or perhaps City of Angels plays over the TV screen. I’m not trapped in my house regretting my choices. I’m not barring myself from my newfound ability to love or tainting the beautiful image of that emotion. I’m working, I’m ready to move back to school, I miss my roommate, and I’m starting to find out I have very cool friends (BONGO!).

So I’ll leave you with this, don’t tell me your “sorry”, “that sucks”, “it’s not your fault” or “awe”. I don’t want to feel like a charity case (please do not disqualify that belief with a “your not charity”, I’m sorry that’s the way I feel). I’m telling you all in simple words here so that I don’t have to explain it to you all individually. It’s not because I don’t love you, cause I do, but it’s just that I’m not really in the mood to talk about this with a bejillion people.

The Culminating Analogy

Vegas. A million bucks in my pocket. I just lost 750,000 in one hand. My feeling: “Hey I still have 250,000 left; let’s go play some Blackjack.” Hey at least I’m keeping my chips on the table. (a meager attempt to reference GOOD WILL HUNTING)

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