Sunday, September 14, 2003

I keep trying to reassure myself that everything's fine right now but ten minutes later I could swear you hated me. I feel foolish. I have no regrets when I share my feelings because unfortunately I had to learn the hard way; that bottling things up inside isn't all that pleasant. I just feel like a complete fool for putting my feelings on the butcher block and while having no regrets, I see those thoughts, feelings, emotions, trivialized by a simple detrimental word; "stupid". "Yea, it was stupid......" I'd finish the sentence but I don't care to relive the experience.

I haven't been this negative in a long while. I start to think that some of the things I felt deeply for - some have condemned to be mundane. How do I deal with that? Negativity. I remember pouring my heart out, all ego aside, and getting a slighted response (as in "that's good to hear"). It's a bitch when you realize you're alone. How do I deal with that? Nega-tiv-i-teeno. I hate looking at other people and feel as if they make excuses for you (i.e. "it's ok, she's going through a rough time"). Except I feel no need to dispute the thought; for it only brings more nega-tiv-i-tye.

So I cling to people I know and of whom give me the most attention. Preferably one on one attention as opposed to being singled out in a group type attention. Makes me feel important I guess. Allows me to find comfort when I lack so much of it right now.

So I'm still sitting here, alone in my apartment again. It's ok, I'm fine with it - gives me more time to write, draw, and read. I'm still standing on my own two feet though. I'm still strong enough to fight the feelings of foolishness. However I fear that the physical and mental strength will become closely associated with my newly revived negativity. But we'll see....indeed.

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