Wednesday, March 24, 2004

I'm taking time from school to write this.

I went to work this morning and discovered a glitch in my project. I haven't a clue as to why I would allow myself to lump two totally different contact results together but nonetheless I continued to do so even today....I guess I just didn't REALLY take that little glitch to heart until my boss showed up. I expected my cheeks to flush but I didn't plan that my failure to distinguish between "voicemail" and "personal message" would cost me some heafty embarassment. To cover, I tried to show some intellect by presenting him with the bar and pie charts, but I couldn't tell whether or not he bought it. Eh, sometimes I think I'm not cut out for this job. It's not that I'm not qualified....I could be the best damn data entry clerk/research analyst there ever was....but who wants to file ticket after ticket in box after box, for hoouuurrsss? Or call at least 30-50 people a day and nag? Not me.

So I sit here, confused. When I first arrived at Western's campus with my good buddy and maid of honor, miss K...I thought, "man this is so great, I get to live away from home, and go to class 3 hours a day - THIS IS AWESOME". All I wanted was to become an EMT/Paramedic and college was just going to occupy my time until I could figure out how to take care of myself in the real world. I was supposed to join the army reserves and ROTC too, so that I could receive a dual income and my MGI grant for school but I discovered something....... It was like a diamond in the rough - SOC 260 INTRO TO CRIMINAL JUSTICE. It was the moment I fell in love with this ridiculous course of study. I started to think that Police work was more my calling than anything else. My father kept pushing for general business but I just couldn't let go of this grip on CJ. It was like herion - I could not satisfy this insatiable appetite for social injustice, I had to have more of it, I had to be the best at knowing it....if I didn't get my fix, I started to sweat, cramp, scream, and hallucinate all over my gen eds. Then two years ago, something in my brain clicked and I felt like I was on a roll. I thought that if I was good enough, if I could academically outperform my own standards, why should I condemn myself to a career that doesn't hold the key to cj reform? Attorneys are independant, powerful, and could quite possibly change social policy by arguing in front of the high Court....why can't I be one of them? And thus we enter the world of the new Jack.....

For four years I've been studying the same social problems, the same proposed solutions, and nothing has gone anywhere. I've grown tired of this slippery slope - I can't seem to make any progress. I feel too old to be in class and too young to be beaten into submitting to the boredom that is our District and Circuit Court system. The herion has been replaced by this depressing yet angry methadone; it's keeping me from the illness of letting CJ go completely but alas, it's a medical high - a crappy "kill me now" freaking medical high.

So. Right now I'll keep my ear on fate's door and pray I hear something good. I'll take the job with my dad if it's still available and I learn to appreciate it. I'll take a year off and figure out what I can or want to do with this B.A in Criminal Justice. If it's no good, I'll work and go back to school for a two year degree.

Things change. People change. And more importantly, for me, I change. I should know that by now.

Maybe I'll get to be a racer....Women's MX....that would be fun.......Maybe I'll get to be a farmer or something.........Maybe...(fade out)

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