Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Dear Blog,

As I write this, my hands shake on each key of my keyboard. My eyes are scarlet red and I can feel the hot, wet, salty tears stream down the side of my cheek. I can't keep doing this. I can't ever let them know that I'm hurt. Why do people think that I double as a doormat?

I used to have this crazy idealistic notion that the world was fair, just, and right. I whole heartedly believed that there were only a few unlucky people in this world that just happened to be bad apples and that all was good if I just avoided them. Blog, I had faith in the good people of this world. Today I've lost it.

I wish I could show you the difference in how people treat me versus how people treat my brother. I wish I could simply explain to you how painful it is to have someone treat you as if you were less of a person because of who you are and what you do. I wish you could just feel it....just for a second. I wish you could know how it feels to be me, right now.

About an hour ago, I was on the phone with an owner discussing the fact that a manufacturer's representative does not retain the power of attorney for my company and that a legally binding contract between his company and mine has not officially been withdrawn, thus our contract is still binding. He advised me that although he has now two official contracts for the same project, I should ball my contract up and throw it away because he's expecting another contractor to complete his roofing project. He was certainly not apologetic but he quickly said "I'm sorry" and hung up before I could say one word.

Blog, imagine this happening to you every time you bid on a project. People go out of their merry way to leave you in the dust. People who would rather deal with your father than you. People who would rather deal with your brother than you. People who laugh in a bid meeting because one of the roof access doors is in the men's bathroom. People who tell you "this is really a job for a man" and hang up. People who make it quite clear to say "welcome gentlemen to the blah project" while they staring at you as you walk in.

I believed in equality once. I had faith that people were mature enough to handle the concept of equality. I actually thought that the world could be fair.

I've been told that I have tough skin and that I should just let those "idiots" roll off my shoulders. ... Most always, I agree......but a fighter can only fight so long before her knees give out and her arms start aching.

I've lost faith today. I'm tired of fighting.

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