Tuesday, July 31, 2001

In all of my 19 years on this planet, I have never found anything more irritating than making stupid mistakes. This morning, which was no different than the last few mornings of this and last week, I was late to work. Completely avoidable. Com-plete-ly a-voi-da-ble. I set my alarm clock for 6:50am last night, I even turned up the volume and changed the station to country and yet, what do I have to do in the morning? That’s right, the answer is “be freakin late”. Though the worst part isn’t that I haven’t been able to wake up to my alarm, it’s the fact that I DO hear the alarm but I give myself the “5 more minutes” treatment. So tell me, I’m thinking about hiring someone to stay at my house for my portable alarm, you think that would be a wise decision? The guy would come over and at 7am wake me up by saying “Get up, you stupid piece of shizznit!! Come on, dumb bizznatch, get the F up!! You’re gonna be freakin late, AGAIN” I think it would be a profitable investment myself.

Ah, and in regards to my friend JoFish19. So my omniscient colleague, should I abandon my inhibitions and insecurities, forsake my preemptive notions, subject myself to the vulnerability and anguish you now call a “lesson to be learned”, all for the sake of love? I am finding it fairly difficult to see the merit in your recent rebuttal, however. Don’t you see the years that are in front of us? We are but 19 and 21 (almost), how are we capable of such an emotion at such a young age? Did you really fall in love in seventh grade? How did you really know that it wasn’t a sisterly or brotherly love, like the way you love your brother or best friend? As I began, two entries ago, I didn’t intend on debating the love of a sibling or friend, it was more along the lines of romantic love. The sentiment shared by couples’ bonded by marriage. Would you have married her then and there?

Perhaps this is why I can’t see the implications of your account. I don’t mean to debase you life story, that wasn’t my objective. I’m merely suggesting that we shouldn’t love and lose, we should hold love as dear to us as we hold our families. By this I mean that the guy I truly fall in love with, is the man I’d be willing to marry on the drop of a dime. I’m trying not to be completely na├»ve, but I believe in fate. My aunt finally married at 47 just last year and my uncle at 43 finally exchanged vows last year as well. And I realize that 19 years isn’t nearly enough time and experience to know fully the caliber of the word love.

I feel like referencing my romantic life to flying today—it’s like I can skydive, glide, cliff-dive, and balloon but I can’t fly, not yet.

P.S If you feel the need to exclude that last line, it’s ok—I went to Zug Island today to look at a job. It’s an island along the Detroit River where the steel mill resides. What a wonderful jobsite huh?

Monday, July 30, 2001

I recently read a fellow “Blogger’s” entry, of which I must applaud. He defended the optimistic outlook of relationships, in response to my previous avowal on my pessimistic thoughts of Love. I adored his analogy (www.jofish19.blogspot.com) about the television, but I’m a little disillusioned about his “no pain no gain” theory. Our locale is not a breeding ground for serious loving relationships; it’s more or less a light-hearted, jocular, superficial orgy with a shot of Jim Beam. I feel like love is a virgin daiquiri at a frat party, it’s not worth drinking if you’re just gonna be disappointed.

I guess men really are the stronger of the sexes. I commend my friend and fellow “Blogger” for having the strength and courage to fall in love. Frankly, I admire that attribute. Sometimes I wish I had that aspect as well and maybe someday I’ll finally catch it, I just have to find a way over that firewall I keep around my heart first.

On a different note, I don’t want to work anymore. I would rather be laying in the fetal position, covered in 5 layers of blankets, a pillow under my head, an open window to the right of me, letting in teeny droplets of rain, and a TV to the left of me with Days of Our Lives or The Simpson’s on the screen. Oh that would be so great. You know what else would be great? Going to South Haven and sitting on the beach with a friend, watching the sunset over Lake Michigan. Or, or, just talking to someone you haven’t seen in ages. I’d rather be doing that then working. You know what?! I’d rather be at a lame frat party watching drunken boys get completely annihilated and pass out by 9:30pm, while some girls, who had nothing better to do, show up and go shot for shot at the kitchen table until 3am. What can I say? I’ve never been to one of these parties, but I’m up for a little Jim Beam. ;-)

Wednesday, July 25, 2001

I got a pickle, I got a pickle, I got a pickle tooodaaayyy!
I got a pickle, I got a pickle, I got a pickle today--HEEEYYY!!

Nah, I really don't have a pickle. I lied.

Tuesday, July 24, 2001

Love. How does one know, at 19, that they're "in love"? I can understand love for a family member or love for a friend or even love for an animal but I can't see feeling the same caliber of emotion for a lover at such a young age. 19 seems grown enough but it’s honestly short-standing. I’m still peeling my parents off my back, how am I expected to just jump into a co-dependent relationship? Yes, “co-dependent”. It might seem like a completely absurd word to have used, but isn’t there just a morsel of true to it? I mean, if you love someone, don’t you depend on them to provide love and support in everything you do?

Let’s try this; what is the first word that comes into your mind when you read “love”? The generic answer would be something along the lines of; care, affection, friendship, fondness, devotion, passion, or ardor. Okay. So you are as devoted to your partner as much as he/she is devoted to you and together you believe that your love will destroy any obstacle in your path. You dedicate every ounce of time and effort you spare to keep that love alive, adoring every moment of the encouragement and enthusiasm you get back. You rely on honesty, trust and commitment to preserve the strength of your relationship. Am I close?

So at 19, you found love. After one year of legal adulthood, you found someone who is worth the investment of all of your time and energy. Actually, let me take a different approach. Fishbones, a local seafood restaurant, serves an absolutely exquisite plate of whitefish marinated in white wine, I mean the best you’ve ever tasted. They also serve thee most delicious Trout I have ever eaten. The calamari is good, but I’m not really a big fan anymore. Their Snapper is excellent too but the rice that goes with it wasn’t the best. The point is, I’ve tried almost everything on that menu and learned from it; whether to order it next time or pass it off. I know that I have plenty of time to choose which plate is the absolute finest, so why not use that stretch to the fullest? For the most part, same ‘ole same ‘ole is great, if it’s always in variation. If not, eventually I find that I can’t stick with the same taste over and over again, knowing there’s so much more out there to try.

My intention today, was not to condemn others my age and their newfound loves, but simply to express my feeling on this particular issue. I try not to decry loving relationships or deny that someone else’s feelings are anything but a reality, I’m only trying to get people to understand my personal foundation on the topic of love. If it works for you and your happy, that’s all that matters. For me, it’s adorable to watch my friends fall in love because it works for them. It’s just that it’s never really my plate of fish, if you know what I mean.

Thursday, July 19, 2001

Contacts. As much as I cringe when I put it in and take it out, it's a nice invention. I'm glad though, that I only have one to deal with. I don't know what I would do if I had to spend double the time in the morning trying to put TWO contacts in--it's so frustrating. Thank god for the "lazy" left eye. It took me 10 freaking minutes to put that biznatch in......grrrrrr.

I can't express how much I want to go back to school. I'm a little nervous moving in with two other roommates but I'm blinded by the excitement of just going back. If there was anything in Detroit that was interesting to do, we've already done it twice. There is simply nothing else we could do to amuse ourselves during the week. On the weekends, Windsor is great, if of course you have money, otherwise your sh#$ out a luck, again. I like being at home, but this is getting ridiculous.

Wednesday, July 18, 2001

I have to leave here in ten minutes. It's gonna take me a half hour to drive 5 miles, from LaDuke Roofing and Sheet Metal (my place of business) and the Southfield Medical Village and I'm not looking forward to it.

I came home from work last week and like I always do, crashed on my comfortable bed. My mom walked in about an hour or so later and as I was stuck in a place between asleep and awake, I carelessly said yes to what ever she mumbled. It turns out that she suggested that we both make an appointment to go to the doctor and possible get contacts. I have glasses, yes, and most likely none of you who are reading this have see me wear them.

Anyway, so they're gonna stick something in my eye. IN MY EYE. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH YOUR EYES. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING--WHAT AM I THINKING???? AH CRAP I GOTTA GO.


Monday, July 16, 2001

My dad drove me to school my freshman year of high school. He’s the owner and president of LaDuke Roofing Co. and has been for maybe the last 15 years. He’s, ever since, made it a habit to be at work at 7am every day so I had to be up and ready at 6:30am. No matter I felt about him at 6:45am when I opened the door, I had to say goodbye. Even if we had the biggest argument the night before, I had to say it. It sounds trivial yes, but my dad considered “bye” as an expression of gratitude for the effort he didn’t have to make every morning.

I could never fully understand where he was stemming from until this last weekend. I drove three of my friends up north for a long relaxing weekend away from home. Even though it was quite a distance to travel and my truck gets anything but good gas mileage, I’ll never ask for gas money. My truck is expensive and I figure if I agree to drive, I should be able to handle the bills myself. It occurred to me on the way there, that I had stumbled upon the source of my dad’s insistence upon saying “bye”. Like to my dad, I consider the offer to cover the cost of a tank of gas tantamount to gratitude in taking my truck. It sounds ridiculously frivolous but it makes me feel appreciated for the 8 and a half hours I drove both there and back. It’s difficult to explain because I don’t want to seem like I’m gluttonous but sometimes I feel like I’m taken for granted without the offer on the table. More than likely I won’t take it but the mere offer tells me that that person recognizes the time, effort and money it takes to drive such a distance.

I don’t know-am I wrong for feeling this way? I guess I’m just used to turning my old college roommate down for the 150-mile drive to school in Kzoo. But I guess people grow up with different fathers and different lessons and I shouldn’t be upset over such a trivial aspect of going on vacation. I should just be glad I was able spend the weekend with my friends.

Wednesday, July 11, 2001

In surviving an emotionally difficult sequence of events recently, I discovered several interesting aspects of my personality. Through an old friend's mistakes, I found that not only do I teeter with apathy and passion during an argument, but also that I am extremely passive aggressive. It was certainly the more difficult route to take to find this out but now I see myself a little more clearly having gone through it. I realized the more I invoke myself into a disagreement, the more fervor I feel in "winning". Yet after a few minutes, still never losing a level head, I grow a bit apathetic. At end, I'm hurt and distrought and I'll let it go but I won't forget. I found that I don't spend a whole lot of time being angry, at most a day or two, but I never forget. More than likely I won't return the turmoil I've experienced but if the situation cost me endless nights of pain and anguish--Pay back is a BIZZNATCH.

I don't believe wallowing in a stew of anger and hurt is the best idea for me anymore. I focus on holding my tongue in ugly predicaments, brushing off "no biggies" and keeping a level head at all times. I know these could prove to be not the best ideas as well but it's worked well in my life. I'm so much happier knowing that not everything is THAT important. And as I breath a sigh of relief, I lean back in this chair relaxed and knowing that I am happy.

P.s Props to my boy Jon fo intro-doosin dis website to me. Peace yall.