Sunday, September 30, 2001

I changed my mind.

I wanna be a Greyhound interstate bus driver crack whore. I could have a steady income drivin buses and I could claim the crack as a med for my complete insanity. Whoa and the bus would be provide the smoothest cover! There's many of places where I could hide the coke, so I could runs for my schweet pimps, Nopa and Cap. yyyyyyeeeeeaaa. Maybe then I could go to Hollywood.

I've always wanted to venture out to that side of the country without visiting San Fran. I haven't been anywhere else but San Fran......For once, I'd like to go somewhere like Hollywood, I think I would totally dig the time I spent there. I, and I say this with absolute conviction, sure as hell wouldn't regret it.

I can remember the first time I thought of going; it was in a Spanish pub downtown. It came into my head as a semi-light hearted idea, but now it's gathered into more of a longing to go. When did that come about? Shit, I don't know, like 3 or 4 months ago, I guess. A purple monkey just popped into my head and told me I wanted to go, so you know, "monkey say, Jackie do".

I've been spending a lot of time lookin at maps and stuff, trying to decide whether I should just go for it. And you know what? After months of thought, I'm still on the fence as to what I should do. I guess my decision balances on the ultimate question: Would Hollywood feel the same way about me? Would it open the door and say "come in and by the way knock harder" or say "whoa there Plato, this is my last piece of gum"? I need a sign... :-)

Wednesday, September 26, 2001

You know what?! I've decided........I'm a crack whore. Touch my ass.
The feeling for today

"Smile, though your heart is aching,
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds, in the sky,
You'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and
Smile and it may be tomorrow.
You'll see the sun shining,
Through For you."
-Nat King Cole

P.S Happy Birthday to Jofish19 and my bestest friend, Willicoon! Miss you and best wishes on your day!
Always and forever-

Sunday, September 23, 2001

Yea I wore Marian colors

So my friend Sobe526 and I went to our old high school football game on Saturday the 22nd. After watching Regina throw punches in a flag football game, put minutes back on the clock when they're losing by one point in the forth, and do anything short of smoke ref pole, we headed (no pun intended) to the parking lot with grim faces. In stopping in the Notre Dame High School gym to go to the bathroom, I met two wonderful Regina girls. As I stood around a corner in a hallway outside of the women's bathroom waiting for Sobe526, the Regina/Notre Dame band walked in and plopped their fat asses on the floor in the main hallway. One of the bitches peeked her head around the corner and saw my Marian sweatshirt and starting commenting on how much "Marian sucks". Oooooo flash back to two years ago when these fucking hefers(sp?) messed with my 12 year old sister. My skin started to burn and my breath got deeper. Each word that came out of that fuckin dumb bitch's mouth drove me into a firey rage. I held myself back though, knowing that I couldn't start shit without Sobe526 out of the building. In the split second, before we rounded the corner, I tried to decide if it was worth the risk of a lawsuit or if she was even worth it. Dude I looked at the bitch, she was no good yo!! She was weak--but dog, if she had said anything else I woulda put the bitch on the floor. Oh my, if you were even there. I don't care if I graduated two years ago, I still played soccer with some of Marian's football players--those were once friends and teammates. Ahhhhhhh, I feel better now. All is well at the moment.

P.S--I'm glad that I didn't do anything, my friend said assualt and battery vs. a minor would not have been a positive mark on my application into the police academy. Whooo......

Friday, September 21, 2001

Emotional Baggage finally unloaded.

I couldn't go to sleep last night. I thought about last Saturday when I visited the 2002 MHS football team and what I'd say to them if I had the opportunity. And in amending, modifying, reexamining and all otherwise giving myself a massive headache in formulating a fake speech, I finally ended with a highly unsatisfactory and teary-eyed discourse. As I mulled over what wisdom I could possibly share, September 24, 1999 never left my head. The memory of the final score of that game soon overwhelmed my efforts to construe some sort of speech and I started to cry, again.

I trained for months, learning plays, kicking field goals, punting, and trying to snag every throw within my reach. I put my heart and soul into every practice, so that I'd be ready for that one game. As an athlete, you dream of being the one to make that winning goal or touch down for your team because you have the willpower and skill to do the job right. I had the heart and the distance but when it came down to do or die, I choked.

The game went into sudden death. Placed on the 10-yard line, both teams had the opportunity to move the football into the end zone. Our offense was up first. We tried, rather viciously, to get passed Regina's defense but our efforts failed and we were pushed back to the 15 and on the right hash mark. We set up for a field goal attempt and I asked my holder to position the ball back and tilted slightly to the left. I sucked in a breath of air, looked up at the American flag blowing in the wind, exhaled and wound up for the shot. On my line up, just before the kick, my soccer instincts shot through my head and I nailed the junior sized football like a soccer ball. As it floated over the defense and under the uprights, my stomach dropped. I ran back to the sidelines and gripped my punting coach. In a hug, he turned me parallel to the sidelines but I could still see our fate. Regina's attempt to get to the goal line failed miserably so they as well, lined up for the field goal. She made the shot and ended the game. I dropped to my knees and with head in hands, burst into tears. I will never forget that moment.

It may seem like this is nothing to stress over, but if you only knew what happened that day you'd understand the depths from which I'm speaking. After shedding many tears last night, I thought about other times. Like my 18th birthday; I came home after soccer practice to find an empty house and half-eaten, left over, frozen lasagna. Or my 19th birthday when I had a phenomenal time in Florida over spring break with my grandparents, but when I came back to school, no one had remembered I even had a birthday. I thought about all the times I've tried to set up surprises for friends on their birthday and wished maybe one day someone would even remember mine. I thought about old relationships and how I might just be one of those people who are afraid of commitment. After all of this and more, I broke down. Then as time passed, I eventually fell asleep around 5am.

I woke up this morning in a better attitude. I gathered the courage to make the effort to go home this weekend and I fully intend to step on that Notre Dame High School football field after two years, and watch my high school win. It's a gynormus step, but I can do it. As for the rest of my memories, screw 'em, they're not worth a second thought.

Thursday, September 20, 2001

Another Letter From My Buddy


Did you wish your brother a happy birthday today? He's 17 you know. I guess I'll get him a cake or something today. He wants to go shopping for a sport coat. What did Dr. Bayleran do about your teeth? Should I call him or what?Are you still coming home this weekend?
Talk to me
your mommy

17 (southpark episode)

Tuesday, September 18, 2001

Dedicated to those families whose loved ones are still among the missing.

"I don't want to understand this horror
There's a weight in your eyes that I can't admit
Everybody ends up here in bottles
But the name tags the last thing that you wanted

As the world explodes we fall out of it
But we can't let go because this will not go away
There's a house built out in space......

I can't see that theif that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend
But I can be your.....

Someone help us understand who ordered
This disgusting arrangment with time and the end
I don't want to hear who walked on water
Because the hallways are empty, clocks tick

And I can't see that theif that lives inside of your head
But I can be some courage at the side of your bed
I don't know what's happening and I won't pretend
But I can be your...."
-Our Lady of Peace

Sending all the love and support to the families and friends affected by last Tuesday's tragedy

Tuesday, September 11, 2001

U. S goes to war and my parents are stuck in Europe.

Sunday, September 09, 2001

A letter from a friend

"Hey Jackie
Well I thought of another one was I was sleeping... This time I think
remembered it.
Laughing... There is a phrase I heard once. It said or asked "Can we
truly love someone that we never laugh with?" I have tried answering it and I
seem to come up with one answer... No! you ask why my friend. OK I
think I can give you an answer. I know that everyone has there own opinion on
Love, but mine truly comes with laughter. In this so called dream I had this girl
that I spent time with who I can never see her face, had me smiling from ear
or ear. I wish I could see her face, so I knew who she was... Funny thing is
she is someone that I have already met. Maybe one day I will find out who
she is.
Well, Jackie I hope all is well and I really hope you like that. I am
surprised I remembered any of it. Some of it I think has to do with your
blog that I read and for some strange reason remembered it in the dream.
well I have to get going to dinner I will talk to you later though.. So take

Like? email me: and I'll post your response...(names excluded in post).

Thursday, September 06, 2001

I had a dream

I was wearing a white gown with a long lace veil falling along my back and to the floor. There were little purple roses woven into my long blond curls and a striking bouquet of white roses in my hands. On my left hand was a phenomenal and absolutely stunning diamond ring that reminded me of the first time it was put on my finger, I would never forget. A smile drew across my face and a tear streamed down my cheek when I looked at the incredibly handsome man standing at the end of my intended path. His back was turned but I could sense the explosive excitement flowing through his veins in waiting for my hand in marriage. Stepping lightly over the rose pedals on the isle way, I looked ahead to my place beside him. He turned and gazed into my eyes with the deepest love I've ever felt and as I gripped his gentle hand, I knew he had my heart and soul forever. Yet there is a twist, he is someone I know right now.

Could it be fate or fantasy?