Friday, January 11, 2002

Hindrance, But Not Entirely

I worry. I worry about people. I worry about things, basically everything. I understand it's not the best way to live my life, but I can't help it. I think about events that happened 5 years ago and whether or not I've really been dealing with them or that I've just been trying to repress them. I wonder if things in my life today would be different if I hadn't made some of the choices I've made. I worry about pain. Not physical pain, psychological pain. I worry about emotions. I despise emotional matters. I want to be exultant all the time, just overwhelmingly happy every day. I want the ability to deal with things in my mind and not convert them into a physical illness. I worry about expression. I worry about circumstances I’m not even involved in. I worry about the people I’ve hurt. I worry about my parents. I worry about my brother. I can’t help but battle tears from streaming down my cheeks as I think about the things he’s gotten himself into. I worry about my sister. God I worry about my sister. I think about a lifetime worth of experiences I’ve attained in 4 years of high school and pray that she never has to encounter them. I worry about the shit that has come out of my mouth lately and whether or not I offended anyone. I worry about friends. I seem to enjoy taking on others’ tensions. And I worry about my shit getting in the way of that. Urg…I think Mr. Worryness and I have a love/hate relationship.

But is this a hindering quality? Je ne sais pas. Ah, I just wish it wasn’t such a prominent one.

On that note, I shall leave you with the phrase of this week uttered by my beloved roommate: “life would be easy if it wasn’t so DAMN complicated.”

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