Monday, October 28, 2002

All in all I've gotten 24 hours worth of sleep in the last two nights. Maybe that's why It's 2 minutes to 4am and I'm not tired at all. I really want to be tired. I have to wake Jen up in like two hours and 45minutes. Come on, why can't I be tired!??!! Derrrrrrr

Saturday, October 26, 2002

remember to breathe and everything will be ok.

I sucked in a deep breathe this morning and scanned over my desk. The various glasses, sticky with dried cranberry juice, Mountain Dew, coffee, were placed in a semi-neat circle in the corner. Frozen in that state between sleep and awake, I found Pickle, who I was so forced to let in this morning, standing next to my glasses. As I stood attempting to absorb that I'm about to pay for my mistake of letting her in, all four glasses came crashing to the floor, along with a small translucent box. Breaking open as it hit the floor, every single push pin that was inside of it, was thrown 5 inches in every direction. I rolled my eyes and gave Pickle a frustrated look. She stared back at me with her adorable little round black eyes so I picked her up, kissed her on the head, and hurled her onto my bed. But as I knelt down to grab the pins, one wonderful moment lifted me back up into the light of the morning. There was a paper lying underneath the box that read : "-be around next week, [caseworker] is gonna call" ---- I get my match next week, I'm a Big Sister. :-)

Friday, October 25, 2002

i'm gonna cry
Word for today = HAVOC

I went online today to browse....then I went to my credit card statments and I found out that none of my payments went through. Ok, jackie's gettin a little nervous......I sent them on the 14th and they still didn't arrive.....scary thing is that I sent out payments for two ebay items at the same time and I just recieved both items in the mail. I called my credit card companies and as it turns out, the payment will remain delinquent because I didn't call within two days of my payment due date. Thank God it's just one credit card that was late but FUCK it's one credit card THAT WAS LATE. I registered online and made payments to all three, but I don't know what to do about the checks. How could all three, with my credit card#, address, and signature, all be lost in the mail? Should I wait to see if they go through? That would mean this month I paid out $1300 in bills --- Or should I cancel the checks which would cost me $78 in stop payment fees? Damnit what do i do? what do I do? I need to talk to my mom but she's in Arizona!!!!! Help!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!

Thursday, October 24, 2002

YEs. Today is the first day I can honestly say for the first time in two weeks, I'm not worried about what's due or I'm not trying to finish something that's due. All I have today is one class, that's it. Then welcome weekend!

Yesterday, I really felt like an adult. I'm apportioning funds so that I can make it possible to buy a Brand New CRF150 2003 First Edition (;a dirt bike). I've been anticipating this bike's arrival since I first heard of it, back in June/July and I'm so excited. I finally started talking to a sales guy at M&M Motor Mall up on Sprinkle and Lake, and he called me on Tuesday to tell me it's on the lot but not on the floor yet. I told him I'd stop by on Wednesday to see it. As it turns out, he took a personal day off work and I didn't get to talk to him. I think I would have rather talked to him though then the other guy but that's ok I'll talk to him again soon. The other guy brought me back to see the bike, LIVE IN PERSON. Tell you what -- woooweee -- it's a good lookin bike! I got to sit on it, and the inch difference between the bike that I have now and this one, is no big deal at all. I shifted it from side to side and noticed it was sooo much lighter. It's like a car guy getting a 454, or a computer guy getting a 60gig-394M-T3connection-flatscreen-surround sound-+all others included computer, or a Southpark fan finally getting the Scott Tenorman episode on DVD.........hhhuuuuuhhhhh I feel like Homer "Beeeerrr guhuuuuuhhhhhhhh" CRF150 guuuuhhhhhhuuuhhhhhh :-)

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

"Duh........PUNK" -PDub
I studied last night until 2:15am. I woke up this morning at 10am and started studying again until 3pm. And all I can think about right now is "I....I just diiieeed in your arms tonight...." AHHHHHHHH.

Sunday, October 20, 2002

"From this conflict comes penis envy and the girl's wish to become a boy. Penis envy often produces an inferiority complex in girls, for them to make an effort to compenstate for their "defect".......girls may become narcissistic and attempt to compenstate for their lack of a penis by dressing well and beautifying themselves."

I hate this book.
"On My Own"

see all those people on the ground
wasting time
i try to hold it all inside
but just for tonight
the top of the world
sitting here wishing
the things I've become
that something is missing
maybe I...
but what do I know

and now it seems that i have found
nothing at all
I want to hear your voice out loud
slow it down
without it all
I'm choking on nothing
it's clear in my head
and I'm screaming for something
knowing nothing is better than knowing at all

On My Own

Thursday, October 17, 2002

It is so hot in my room right now. you could cook an egg on my desk THATS HOW HOT IT IS IN MY ROOM RIGHT NOW. wooooooooooooooo.
I see it. It is all clear.

Reagan = ALOTT FUNDS $$$ TO DEA = promote drug crackdown on "crack" = promote forfeit laws = police obtain money cause of drug laws and forfeit laws = rich people can afford minimum of forfeit = poor people go to jail and losing assets = longer sentences for leverage for payment = GOVERNMENT MAKES MO MONEY

HA I understand now. That's the real reason you aren't humanistic. Ah and that's why you like being "tough on crime". You are a money bitch. MONEY BITCH MONEY BITCH MONEY BITCH. MUAHHH HAHHAHAHA HAHAH (cough) (cough) HAHAHHAHAHA

Monday, October 14, 2002

I have obtained the answer to all political theoreitcal questions I have previously possessed.

"relative maximum of freedom" (Weber 1978:811)

Oh ma god.
Trust Company

Fear in me so deep it gets the best of me,
In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me,
Here I stand hold back so no one can see,
I feel these wounds, step down, step down,
step down.

(am I) Breaking Down
Can I break away
Push me away, make me fall,
Just to see, another side of me,
Push me away, you can see,
what I see, the other side of me.

Fall back on me, and I’ll be the strength I need,
to save me now, just come face to face with me,
stay in place you'll be the first to see, me heal these wounds,
step down, step down, step down, down

I’m not breaking, down
can I break away
push me away, make me fall,
just to see another side of me,
push me away you can see,
what I see, the other side of me
i am lost in the crowd
i'm standing in line
i'm feeling so down
and i am full of doubt

Sunday, October 13, 2002

sometimes i wish i was brave
i wish i was stronger
i wish i could feel no pain

cause i feel so mad
i feel so angry
i feel so callous
so lost, confused


Some days i sit
staring out the window
watchin this world pass me by
sometimes i think there's nothing to live for
i almost break down and cry

sometimes i think I'm crazy
why am i here
am I just wastin my time

but then i see my baby
suddenly i'm not crazy
it all makes sense when I look into his eyes

sometimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
everyone's leaning on me
sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
but then he comes back to me.


if everything would go my way
when the pain inside would go away
I could live my life again
it never seems to end


The word for tonight is FRUSTRATED - particularly with school.

Friday, October 11, 2002

So I'm studying today......and I found out that I hate this juvenile deliquency book. Three reasons: A. "Racial disparity in the justice system has been linked to the fear Caucasians have of young black men." B. "Whites believe that African Americans are responsible for their own inferior economic status because of their cultural traits." C. "Racial disparity has been linked to the onset of delinquency and drug abuse." this book was published in 2001 by the way. The book does not even deserve to put CRIMINAL JUSTICE on it's cover.

A & C. No. Do not make a bold generalization, EVER. Young black males are overrepresented in the system, about 4:1 to be exact (I may be wrong on this but I believe the American American population is 13% in this country) The truth is, one can never know the exact number of juveniles breaking law, but when you combine Victim Surveys, UCR, and National Crime Survey - there is hard evidence that Juvenile delinquency is blind to race, ethnicity, gender ect. Therefore you're making a link between race and drug abuse/delinquency that doesn't technically exist. Wrongass.
B. This book was published in 2001, not 1960 when that may have been true. Do you seriously think that white people look at black people and say "well theyre poor because of their culture."? And white"culture" is wealthy? Not all white people are affluent, not all black people are indigent. Not all white people think that african Americans, much less anyone, are particularly responsible for their economic status. What about underfunded schools? Lack of education=lack of high paying job. What about family life? I'm responsible for keeping my parents together? Or responsible for them breaking up? You're saying that white people think juveniles are responsible for that? THAT'S LUDACRIS. DO NOT ASSUME. assume ass.
for the first time in a couple of weeks i'm drunk. Wow. I wish Charlie was here. Charlie where are you? I need you to be here!

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Ah it's 230am. When did 1am go? I looked at the clock, I swear, like 10 minutes ago and it was 1am. Stupid clock. :-)

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I know what I'm gonna be for Halloween. YES.

By the way -- Party, Halloween, MUST HAVE COSTUME, Friday November 1st, in the village, be there. Love ya!

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

I love music. I'm starting to enjoy punk, I've always loved classic rock, I wish I could sing with Tony Bennet - Muddy Waters - or Fats Domino, I like hip hop, I think there's hope for country, and I really dig electronica. Greatest evening in the world ---a little wine - a little candlelight - and a little Nat King Cole.