Friday, January 31, 2003

Today sucks. Mostly cause the clouds can't decide if they want to rain or snow. And because a friend and I had a bit of a confrontation last night. I'm really kinda upset and hurt about it. I wish everything was ok. I wish things could be different. I hope the confrontee doesn't hate our friend or me for a long time though she may have good reason to.

I'm frustrated. I'm upset that when I talk to AIM about the ills of our current lease situation - they treat me as if I was a child. I can't handle cleaning shit off the basement floor or cat heave from various spots in the house almost everyday to sometimes three times a day; because the twins have behavioral problems. I can't stand sitting alone in such a big/cold house watching the cats rip parts of cloth mice to shreads and shatter plates and knowing I have to clean it up before my roommates get home. I'm at odds with myself cause I feel like the few people I have ever gotten really close to - have one day just disappeared.

I met my old best friend when I was 3 years old. I moved into a house in the same court his family stills lives in today. In elementary school, we spent every day hangin out together. We have old pictures of us - in '87 - sitting on my old neighbors bench asking for candy. We kissed each other once in the front yard of my house behind these big bushes. We used to "fish" for leaves on a little island in the back of my neighbor's house after it rained, sitting on lawn chairs with hats on backwards. He told my mom she was a bitch once in fourth grade and she chased him down the driveway. We used to play army guy in the sandbox with those little green plastic action figures. We played hockey when my dad made a rink in our backyard. I didn't realize until he told me in high school that he was a chubby kid when he was younger. In high school, I moved and he'd come over every other day to go swimming and sit in the hot tub. We used to go our to his house and eat with his family in 9th grade. His mom made my skirt (uniform in high school) fit over my hips so I could sag - best thing ever. Two years in a row, he and I went to Marian's Christmas dance together. We made a pact that if we are both not married by the time we're 30, we would get married. We took a picture together at my graduation and it's sitting in front of me on a particleboard frame that I made. I've known him now for close to 18 years. But he's gone now. He's still attending John Carrol in Ohio and from what I hear he's doing pretty well. He's dating someone I used to know in high school and he's planning to go to law school I believe. Two years ago, we made attempts to get together but it's never worked out. I am not going to force him to talk to me anymore but I always told myself that if he ever wanted to be good friends again, I'd try my hardest to make it work. Our time is in the past. Though there's still part of me that wishes it never ended, I know it's gone. Today I feel like I'm in the same boat. I guess all good things must come to an end. It's just hard sometimes to know he and others are so close but yet so far away. It's a hard pill to swallow I guess.

So that's how I feel today.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003

I hate to sound so depressing but I F-ing hate this semester. Everything is all F-ed up. I'm taking these classes that involve discussions of sexual abuse, date rape, batterers, and psychological abuse - and who in my class has lived though it. I learn about drugs that can make a male's testicles smaller and drugs that can develop parkisonian symptoms. I study people of minorty groups, the poor, and the mentally ill who've been sentenced to prison terms, victims of jury bias and/or violations of due process. I have a Little who's going through a lot of shit right now and I have virtually no one I can talk to about it because of confidentiality issues. I am between a rock and a hard place right now trying to decide whether or not I really want to stay in this house. **Excuse me - I need to vent real quick** I F-ing hate this place right now, I wish Sara didn't have to leave in July, I F-ing hate these cats - they're making me sick (allergies) and driving my F-ing head into a wall, I F-ing hate how random people come up to our porch at night, steal cans and look through our trash, I F-ing hate parking on campus, I F-ing hate living here, I F-ing hate my advisor, AND I F-ing hate - I F-ING HATE - the fact that I can't be the asshole I'd love to be to some people right now (currently thinking of my SOC 282 prof- Dr. Weiner (weee-ner)). **ahh much better thank you**

Trying to think happy thoughts-

Sunday, January 26, 2003

I want to travel. How cool would that be - to travel to different places doing all sorts of fun stuff?! That's it - WMU no WMU, I'm going to become a Flight Attendant.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

Stuff I can't seem to get over

1. My family this Christmas. When I turned 16, I was eager to become part of "adult" conversations. When I turned 18, I was hoping that maybe this would finally be the year I'd be segregated from the kids. At 20 (fastly approaching 21), I'm still waiting to be treated and talked to like an adult. For Christ sake, all I want is to be aknowledged and regarded as an ADULT member of the family.

2. Do I really look that young? In Steamboat this past weekend, a saleswoman asked my mom if I was 16-17. When I heard my mom inform her that I was 21 - I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. While she assured me that it was "good" to look young, I snapped with "yea, not at this age" (enter "you are a big bitch" attitude -- well maybe not but you get the point) Smiles.

3. I had a best friend, then he left. Then I had another best friend, and she left. This makes me (A) really sad (B) feel somewhat alone (C) realize it gets easier to deal with when it happens more than once (D) also realize people have lives that don't revolve around my needs.

4. How cluttered my desk is and knowing that I have no intention of cleaning it.

5. Why the OP took away the only thing that brought all of us together once a week.

6. I've got a 60 gig hard drive in a box, ready to go into my tower - holy sh*t I'll have a 70 gig hard drive.

7. I'm gonna be 21 in 35 days. :-)


I really want to fly somewhere warm and spend a couple days in the sun. Wouldn't that just be bliss?

Tuesday, January 14, 2003

oh yea and I think I'm gonna be in big trouble on my b-day too. K, I'm scared of you...remember?! I wasn't that bad!! only 5 shots! you weren't that drunk. (sigh) F.
btw - I really want to go out to a liquor store the day before I turn 21 and try to buy beer.

It's hard to believe I was able to go the first time and to hear that I'm actually gonna be going a second is absolutely astonishing. This friday I'm leaving on a jet plane - off to chi town then to Denver where I meet my parents. I'm still shocked that my dad even suggested that I go with them but excited beyond belief nevertheless. I'll probably end up by myself for most of the vacation but that's not a big deal I guess. AH! I'm so excited!!

Countdown Clock: 1 month and 14 days from this post. :-) wooohoooo!!

Monday, January 13, 2003

My House

In August, I was convinced that this academic year was well, it was gonna be the shit until last night. As Dana and I were cleaning the upstairs foyer yesterday, I came across this letter that was address to one Ms. JML. This letter is from Ameritech? What could I be……and then it sunk in….it was like I got the holy grail…from Ameritech. Awwwwwww OUR 100 DOLLAR REFUND CHECK awwwwwww!!! With wide-eyed stares and excitement building, we grabbed the check and sped off in the Escort. En route to Meijer, we decided what tools we needed to get the job done and other house-related items we also needed. When we walked out – we had smiles on our faces and anticipation in our step. Laughing and failing miserably trying to find some iniquitous reason why we shouldn’t do it…we got home and just did it. Took about an hour and a half to finish but we did it. Looks damn good too, I love it. This year is turning out to be even better than the's becoming the SHIZZY.

Ok, so that’s enough of a build up. Dana, Sara, and I bought a grape/periwinkle color paint last night, painted the living room and rearranged the furniture. It was some good quality roommate bonding time too, something well overdue for all of us. Any and all of you (if anyone still reads this) should come over and take a look. Our next project is the kitchen. I can’t wait! Maybe Sara will make us dinner again and we’ll play some more Euch!!!!

Monday, January 06, 2003

"should of said something
but i've said it enough
by the way my words were fading..."

And I don't know when I should say
All the things I want to say
cause I know that it would hurt you
and I don't want that
cause after all the things we've been through
you deserve much more than that

Well i could see just what is coming
Another argument worth nothing
Well believe me when i tell you
Another fight i wont go through
Cause i know that it would hurt you
And i dont want that
Cause after all the pain we've been through
You deserve much more then that

Saturday, January 04, 2003

The Difference between my dad and my mom

Did you call my car phone yesterday? There were four messages. You know that I am technologically incompetent. Anyway, we had a good time at the horse show. Your sister almost fell off a couple of times. She was mad at herself, because it was her fault. I told her that it was really hard, but you know.... it is frustrating to want something really bad and not get it. I rode three classes yesterday. The first two I rode as warm ups. I rode Kristy Curtis' horse Gilly (Andiamo) in the Medal Class. I have never ridden this horse before. He was awesome. I just kept thinking that I just needed to make it around the course and stay on. Well, we
won it!!!! I had been trying for the last three years to qualify - score second place and/or above, to ride in the final medal ride offs
in September. These classes are in equitation- judged on the rider. Of course, you know that I am an old lady. Most of the time I have been competing against 20-25 year olds. This time I was just filling in to make up a fourth person. How ridiculous.

It was good to see you on Saturday. Your hair looks darker to me, anyway. Be good. See you this weekend, or perhaps talk beforehand. We have a banquet on Saturday night.

Mommy Dearest

Jacqueline -



There's someone out there that might be mad at me today. To this person, I want to say I'm sorry.

Friday, January 03, 2003

In Turkey, today, I could be worth roughly 29.6 million Liras (Turkey currency). I should move there and retire at 20....given that the meaning of 30 million liras is the same there as is here.

Thursday, January 02, 2003

We got the afternoon,
You got this room for two,
One thing I've left to do,
Discover me,
Discovering you.

One mile to every inch of,
Your skin like porcelain,
One pair of candy lips and,
Your bubblegum tongue.

Cause if you want love,
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland.

Something 'bout the way the hair falls in your face,
I love the shape you take when crawling towards the pillowcase,
You tell me where to go and,
Though I might leave to find it,
I'll never let your head hit the bed,
Without my hand behind it.

You want love,
We'll make it,
Swim in a deep sea,
Of blankets,
Take all your big plans,
And break 'em,
This is bound to be a while.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland.

Damn baby,
You frustrate me,
I know you're mine, all mine, all mine
But you look so good it hurts sometimes.

Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonder (I'll use my hands),
Your body is a wonderland,
Your body is a wonderland.
Instead of watching the rain, I'd rather float away. I'd rather be with the saints and angels than with this cold empty house. It's always like this. Frequented by two only, as it now seems. I'm still hoping that one day, someone...someone will come home and make me feel sane.