Friday, February 28, 2003

Tomorrow. :-) How excited am I? WOOOHOOO.

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

2 days.
Tired, miserable, and ready to go home.

JoeD stopped by. Bout damn time joey- I'd come visit you but I don't know where you live :-) I miss hangin out with you dude.....get an apartment in Whitehall !!!!!!!

Ouch throat too soar to write anymore - need drugs - help.

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

Dear Blog

I am such an ass. I can't believe it. A question on my test looked something like this : List and describe four characteristics of science form class, the coursepack or Schutt (the book). I was supposed to assume that the word "form" was a typo for "from". Ha! The answer was supposed to be something like objectivity, blah, blah, and blah. I was rather amused when I reread the question today after he handed our tests back. My interpretation of the question : List and describe characteristics about class, the coursepack, or the book. Welll ok Mr. Professor....the following was my answer :

1. The coursepack contains very reliable and valid studying material
2. The coursepack has orange covers.
3. The coursepack has a plastic black bind on the left side.
4. The coursepack is easily transported.

Those are four characteristics right? Yea he was not amused AT ALL. I recieved 0 of 8 points. I couldn't decide whether to laugh or fall quickly into the I-could-kick-myself-in-the-head-for-being-such-a-bolt attitude. Well hey at least I still got an 80 on it right? I'm hopeless. :-)
The next time I have a coke, this will run through my brain

Beverage or Over-the-counter product : Caffine (mg per cup)

Brewed Coffee : 90-125
Instant Coffee : 35-164
Decaffeinatd coffee : 1-6
Tea : 25-125
Cocoa : 5-25
Coca-Cola : 45
Pepsi-Cola : 38
Mountain Dew : 54
Chocolate Bar : 1-35
Anacin : 30
No-Doz, Caffedrine : 100-200

Central Nervous System Effects of the Xanthines

In general, 100-200mg of caffine enhances alertness, causes arousal, and diminishes fatigue. Caffeine stimulates the formation of thoughts but does not improve learning ability in the wide-awake student....Adverse central nervous system effests usually occur with doses greater than 300mg's per day. Some of these include insomnia, an increase in tension, anxiety, and initiation of muscle twitches. Doses over 500mg's can be dysphoric (unpleasant) and can cause panic sensations, chills, nausea, and clumsiness. Extremely high doses of caffine, from 5 to 10 grams, frequently result in seizures, respiratory failure, and death....Tolerance to the cardiovascular effects occurs with frequent use......theophylline has the greatest effect on the respiratory system, causing air passages to open and facilitate breathing....Caffeine doses in excess of 1 gram per day may cause muscle twitching, rambling thoughts and speech, heart arrhythmias, and motor agitation....caffeine is associated with cancers of the bladder, ovaries, colon and kidneys - begining with infection - although these claims have not been reliably substantiated....When used with other stimulants [such as nicotine, cocaine, Ritalin, or other amphetamines], effects or "highs" are increased resulting in increased intensity and likelyhood of physical damage....(Hanson 1998).

Kinda scary if you've ever taken speed or JetAlert, coffee, and coke while occasionally talking to Steve all in one sitting. I am so glad Steve and I stopped talking - and I buy noncaffeinated beverages :-)

Saturday, February 22, 2003

I went shopping yesterday and I don't think I've ever had that much fun at the mall. It almost makes me fond of Crossroads actually. Normally, the mall is something I don't exactly enjoy going to because there are so many stupid people who seem to also be at the mall when I show up. For example, yesterday I was cruisin the parking lot, lookin for a spot and I almost get to the end of a row when a suburban decides they'd like to back into a spot. There are three people waiting behind me and this "I-can't-walk-ten-extra-feet-so-i-must-get-this-spot" woman decides she's gonna back her massive vehicle up and pull into a place. So I sit in the middle of the row. She backed up, I didn't. She continued to back up until her car was inches from my truck....waited...waited....waited....then finally readjusted a few times and parked. I was a bitch dude. I just put my truck in park and waited for her to quit playin games and park if that's what she wanted to do. Paul gave her a dirty look when she got out of her truck. Take that weirdo!

BUT ANYWAY, so Olga's was good. So was the sale at the New York Company. I bought a sweater for $10.17 that was marked down from fifty. I was pretty stoked. We saw Joey and said hello. That's pretty much it. Wow - for some reason I thought it was more than that. hmm.

Thursday, February 20, 2003


I played soccer for thirteen years and I've had somewhere in the ballpark of twelve coaches in my life. I've always been into sports and it wasn't until Mary K and Kevin that I was obsessively critical about my performances. Somewhere in the beginning years of travel teams, I went through puberty and gained weight (and boobs :-) ). Mary K was the trainer of the Blazers when it happened. The Blazers were the premier team - a powerhouse if you will - that represented Birmingham in the MYSL so we needed premo coaching staff. I think Mary K was the first person to call me fat, slow, and that I had no future with the Blazers. I was 12. But she was right. The next year I was cut to the Burners - a second rate Blazers. There, I met Ronny. He told me that I had potential but I was a "bitch" (spoken in dutch - I'm failing to remember the correct word). I guess I didn't really care cause he didn't know what the hell he was talking about - he didn't know me - I was always quiet. I remember this girl Lindsay and all of her popular Derby friends - how they could make Ronny laugh and impress him. I hated that about him, he was so preferential with his soccer players. It was like you had to be on some list for him to like you. I was one of the majority he didn't like so he pointed out each mistake we made only to ridicule us in front of the "good" ones. I started practicing in my backyard everyday. Back and forth and back and forth in the backyard, lofting and passing to myself, I wouldn't let myself stop until I did it right. I got better. I was beginning to get noticed.

The annual Burner v. Blazer game came up. Burners took away the victory and the Blazers coach was furious. During the next tryout - I was looked at differently. Kevin, spotted some glimmer of talent in me, so he pushed for more playing time for me in tryouts. Last day of tryouts, I stepped wrong and sprained my ankle. Swelled like a orange, I hobbled around to the bleachers and found out, I'd made the Blazers again under the KEVIN regime. I should've known right away. I should've left the team as soon as he said the things he said to me. He pulled me aside, as I hobbled to the parking lot, and said two things that have since remained burned in my brain; "You know, I let Jennifer go for you and if you don't perform well, you'll be in the same place she is right now - on the B team...[and]..I expect you to be ready to play at practice next week".

What do you say to that? He used this "b" team threat - like it was a shameful position to be on the "b" team. And I couldn't even walk for heaven's sake and he expected me to play the next week. Well, I bent for him. I took off the air case after less than two weeks of being in it so that I could play. I admit, he was an involved coach and he did expect the best out of us but instead of encouragment - we got degraded. He told me I needed to lose weight, I needed to get tougher, I needed to fight for my position otherwise I'd be on the bench (which I ended up staying a lot). He told me I sucked constantly and I started to believe him. I pushed harder when I was at home on my own time. I stayed out for hours and used the brick wall on the side of my old house for loft practice. I was so mad at myself one day because I couldn't consistently hit more than 16 lofts in a row that I put all my weight into one shot and smashed both sets (storm and regular) of the basement window. I lost some weight like he told me I should do and I started to gain some more ground on the field. Yet, the times he did put me on the field - I was so anxious to do well that I was actually scared of playing.

I continued under Kevin's rule when I was placed on the Varsity team of my high school. I think I knew 3 people total when I started as a freshman at Marian. I was despised by people I didn't even know when I was first put on the JV team. The last week for drivers ed under the old law just happened to fall during tryouts so I missed and ended up talking to the JV coach trying to persuade him to let me play. People F-ing hated me cause I didn't have to go through the pain of tryout conditioning. So I was thankful as all hell when I moved to varsity after 9 games. Played 12 games on varsity as a starter. Written up in the paper a couple times for my efforts. I loved these people, they were so easy to play with. The coach however, prefered freshman so I was ok for that year - but still constantly beat up on my travel team for "being a idiot on the field" quote Kevin.

Sophomore year rolled around. I left Birmingham and went to Troy Vardar. The team sucked as a whole - we couldn't work together if we had instructions - but the coach, Kenny, he was a dream. No one else in my soccer career had ever believed I was a decent player until Ken - a jamacian loving father of two who treated his players like his kids. Always with the constructive criticism, drove me nuts. Here I am, thinking I was worth shit since I missed that shot in the beginning of that one game and he kisses my head cause we'd won the biggest game in the tournament. He was truly an inspiration and it's too bad I couldn't see it nor understand it for that matter.

Meanwhile, my freshman ass-kissing coach Phil noticed I was a sophmore. I was benched for the first time in my high school career for being 3 minutes late to a game at Marian. Funny, I wasn't the only one but you better believe, if we were late to one practice or to one game - we were benched for the entirety of that game or running for the majority of practice. He used to yell across the field at our goalie; "get your head out of your ass Courtney" in front of opposing teams. Nothin tells a team they've got the victory more like mental breakdown of their opponents.

There were more comments from other coaches but these were the most profound as I remember. I will never forget the time I heard Kevin's voice in my head as I was awarded the All-League medal - "you didn't win that all league - you lost the all state".

Now it's starting to bleed into my college work. A 3.5 just isn't good enough anymore...I need a 4.0 I'm not smart enough, I'm not good enough, I don't deserve the things I have, I am beyond fat, I look like shit, I am shit. That part of me still exists and I wish I could rid myself of it - but it's there and always will be. But you have to have that side of you right? Keeps you humble.


Discussion Questions for March


When the seasons change, many people get ill. Do you?
Talk about a time when you were very ill. How did you get better?
If a friend of yours had a cold, what would you do? Is there a special food or drink you would bring them? Is there anything else you might do?
What do you do to keep yourself well?
There is a saying, "A cold lasts seven days if you don't go to the doctor and a week if you do." Do you agree?

In the fall and parts of the summer, I find there's many allergy conducive conditions that provide imperfect and often uncomfortable states of physical health. In other words, yes, when seasons change I get varying degrees of "sick". In fact, I used to get awful bloody noses in the winter time because the air was so dry in my house. I remember once, I woke up before school and as I was brushing my teeth in the morning, I was spitting up blood. My mom sent me to the doctor and though he found some minor throat irritations - he ultimately concluded that it was the bloody nose the night before that caused the blood to sit in the back of my throat. I had gotten so used to them I guess I just slept right through it - whereas before, I would be up and in the bathroom right before they started.

When I was in my last year at Marian, during the second semester, I got really sick. I remember the day I suspected that something was wrong. I was at an indoor soccer facility in Waterford, practicing with my high school team, when I noticed that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't run. It was like, I'd start out with a sprint that lasted three seconds then bam! I'd be huffing and puffing like I'd never worked out before. I couldn't understand, I mean I finished all of my pre-conditioning miles and green bays - why didn't I have any energy? After practice, as everyone was leaving, I turned to my coach and apologized for my performance. A few tears emerged but I was walking out to my car at that point (I'm extremely critical of myself). When I got to my car, I noticed I couldn't hardley breath and I was exhausted. A few days passed and I started to develop swelling and spots on my tonsils, so my mom sent me to the doctor. He shooed me away with some strep-throat pills and I went home. A week passes and I get worse. I visit the doctor again, this time my tonsils were as large (quite literally) as grapes. The tests showed I had mono. Lovely, just as my last soccer season was starting. I missed twelve games - of 19 - and lost 15lbs. I slept 15-18 hours a day and missed about 2 and a half weeks of school. I remember nights I couldn't sleep because my throat was so dry and there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't swallow normal food for a month, I was on double doses of steriods, and I talked like I had a pair of grapes in my throat. Cried almost every other night too because of the drugs and not being able to breath part. Finally, the illness started to subside and I was able to play soccer and eat again. But this was probably the most physically sick I've ever been.

If a friend of mine gets a cold, I'd probably bring him/her a bucket of some nice drugs (namely NyQuil) and maybe some tissues. Not many get colds and seek help though, so normally I don't hear about it.

I don't know, I guess I just get sick when I do and deal with it. I don't actively prevent sickness I guess. I mean I don't go hanging out with contagious people but I don't know, I guess I just don't care whether or not I get sick.

I talked to my mom! I talked to my mom! We're going to An-di-amo's for dinner!! YES!!!!!

Ah, I love Thursday's...cause after that day comes Friday and who doesn't like Fridays? And I love Fridays too cause that's my one day out of the whole week that I can relax. Saturday I have to start homework cause it always takes me more than a day to do. Then Sunday is just a blah day - kinda like monday but the day before - :-) Monday: No-bod-day likes monday. Even Tori Amos doesn't like monday - wanna know how i know? cause she wrote a song called "I hate mondays". Monday's kinda like the guy who always breaks stuff - but everyone in the world knows him - you always hear people like "it was monday, it wasn't my fault" or "you know i hate it when monday comes around". Tuesday : tuesday's like sophmore year of high school. you realize you've already gone through one year and youre stuck for another two. Tuesday sucks all the motivation right outta ya. Wednesday ; Hump day. Hump Day. HUmp DaY. That's all that's needed for this day. The light suddenly appears at the end of the tunnel. and you know about thursday. whoa i didn't really expect this to become a "let's critique the days of the week" post...i can't stop typing.......type type type...

Wednesday, February 19, 2003

go go go shorty it's your birthday, we gonna party like its your birthday.......well, we'll party next saturday in Deeee-Troit!!!! ;-)'ll find me in da club, bottle fulla bub.......
"Yes Dr. Ciccantell, my world does revolve around your class. Please, if you don't mind, can you give me another paper to write? I find myself incredibly bored with the 4 other classes I'm currently taking."


Tuesday, February 18, 2003

There are three things in my life right now that are keeping me from insanity.
a. Pdub
b. My Little (the drawings on my wall especially)
c. My apartment next year.

I really need a break from reality.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

There's a full moon tonight. Wanna know how I know? Cause it says so on my calender. Yeap.

I'm incredibly fascinated with "the" bands. The Donnas, The Casualties, The Used, The Julianna Theory, The Raveonettes, The Strokes, The Hives, The Vines, The Vandals, The Get Up Kids, The Clash......and I found that I'm completely recycling myself. My winamp used to have a blues/hippie/funktelligence/rave kid/bluegrass type of list, but now, it's a blues/rock/punk/ska/rave kid/emo list. It's amazing how one person's perspective can influence every aspect of your life.

I have a project for this summer! Yea! My brother and I are gonna start soupin' up the bikes with some performance gear. AND I'm gonna build a coffee table for next year! Well we'll see how the butcher block idea pans out - I got some look-a-like butcher block plans I might use. Or a tile top plan, I can't decide.

I'm so excited for my birthday. I'm only a week and 5 days away. I'm hoping my parents are taking me to Andiamo's (I think that's how you spell it), I've never been there and they have close to $600 worth in gift certificates (that's all they asked for for Christmas). Ooo it'll be fun, my first time drinking legally with my dad. Maybe we'll go Manhatten for Manhatten. Yea, maybe not but it'll still just be oh so sweet. Campin, family parties, the cottage...all drinkin with my pop. He's so gonna yell at me for drinkin with him :-) I love it.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOED who is in fact, turning 21 this evening at 12am. JoeD, where ever you are, be safe and be merry! Happy Birthday buddy. We'll celebrate over some shots/beers (you pick) after a week and 5 days :-) Catch ya online..

Thursday, February 13, 2003

Took a Civil Rights/Liberties exam yesterday. Had a Nonwestern world exam today. Have a project due tomorrow for Methods of Data Collection (blah). Need to finish my audit at 1pm with Mr. Kevin "BEST ADVISOR EVER" K on Thursday. Going home on Friday. Coming back on Saturday. Preparing for a one hour required presentation for the grad class (aka Gender and Justice) on Sunday. Monday, presentation. Straining my eyes on Tuesday studying for Methods midterm. Crying on Wednesday as I hear how many chapters I must run over before the DRUG midterm (aka ADA225). Following week - expect two more exams. I don't know what I was thinking when I signed for 5 classes this semester.

Plus side- I have 8 total required classes left for next year. Can't believe it but it's the truth :-) . But 8=24 total credits.....I need 31. Headache.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

I wish I was riding in a train right now, looking out the window. My head resting on the glass, ticket in hand, dressed in a warm wool sweater, with a backpack on my back...hands partially covered by sweater sleeves, eyes close and open and close again to a wealth of sleep...I smell the inside of the train car and exhale as I open my eyes for the last time to pan over the fading horizon, I touch the glass softly as if I were reaching out to graze my fingers across the white snow...Dave Matthew's "Where Are You Going" is playing as the camera zooms out from above...I tilt my head back and close my eyes - my forehead hit the glass and I exhale with a grin.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

"Saints And Sailors"

This is where I say I've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.
A walking open wound,
a trophy display of bruises
and I don't believe that I'm getting any better.

Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and I'm thinking awful things
and I'm pretty sure that few would notice.
And this apartment
is starving for an argument.
Anything at all to break the silence.

Wandering the house
like I've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now.
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
'cause they would never do,
I would never do.

So don't be a liar,
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken.
And you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me.

Well I'm not laughing.
You're not leaving.
Who do I think I'm kidding?
But I'm the only one locked in this scene.
I don't want to know you.

Friday, February 07, 2003

picture page has been updated.
Only 20 Feet Away

I don't know what's been said
and I'm really sorry this had to happen
but there's nothing else I can do
there's probably things you didn't know
that haven't yet been uncovered
but they're there
and we're here
saddling up just causes
cause there's nothing else
but dismal debts and utter losses.

Thursday, February 06, 2003


Scene 1: There's a gig and a half left of open space on the hard drive. Time to clear out some space.....what's this? Reading.......

“They are owing simply to the fact that, since the will extends further that the intellect, I do not contain the will within the same boundaries; rather, I also extend it to things I do not understand. Because the will is indifferent in regard to such matters, it easily turns away from the true and the good; and in this way I deceived and I sin.”(p39)
Free will is a freedom of humans to make choices that are not determined by prior causes or by divine intervention. It’s a divine infusion of God’s inconceivable perfection and human life. Taken that the existence of God is evident and that God instills free will, I would have to agree with Descartes. He sketches a barrier between free will and the concept of knowledge. Descartes’ admission that there exists things or concepts he does not know nor understand, he accepts that there is a limit to human knowledge. Within that notion, he states that since God given free will is an extension further over that which he does not know. If that which he does not understand is determined by acquired knowledge and free will is further broadened over human comprehension then he is deceived. Erudition is acquired as one grows and free will is God instilled. Therefore the freedoms of choice are dictated by the limited human intellect. Since intellect is incomparable to the immense power and perfection of God, we are therefore deluded by our own understanding and subject to sin.

And.....cut. Perfect.

Tuesday, February 04, 2003

I think I'm gonna miss this place next year.

Monday, February 03, 2003

I DO NOT appreciate being snubbed. I DO NOT appreciate answering the front door at 9am on a Monday morning. AND I DO NOT appreciate being taken for granted. This is about as far as I go. Beyond this point, there's no looking back for me. So why don't you tell me - how far is too far for you?

Sunday, February 02, 2003

my picture page will probably be updated with more recent pictures soon.
Well, just kick me in the arse and call me nothing.

26 days.

Saturday, February 01, 2003

What is your utmost desire?!

If I had $2500 to throw around, this is what I'd buy with it..... More Broad Range Power ruff ruffff arrrrr!!!!

What else would you buy with $2500?