Monday, June 30, 2003

ooooh we'll make I swear......whooooaa-ooohh livin on a prayer

my hair isn't growing fast enough.

I really want to go biking soon.

I hate my stupid habits. I hate them so much. I have to do them - they're compulsive and I hate it.

I like watermelons.

I don't really like SBC.

Thursday, June 26, 2003

Dexter and Joy.
Head North on Dexter.
Litter scattered on every street corner and entangled in patches of tall grass.
Old crimson brick buildings with broken second story windows in the east.
Sun faded paint chipping off store walls and accordian steel bars locked over windows on the west side.
Stay north.
Look, there's a man sifting through what used to be a planter.
180 degrees of this poor man searching for a cigarette butt with a just huff of tobacco; his red shirt and black jeans hang from his bones.
A steady stream of shattered and boarded windows, locked doors, and zombie transients.....
Stop at Dexter and Davidson.
Over there, a man resting on the stoop of a church, head in hands.
Green; stay north.
Another church but no one to grace those large iron door handles.
Pick up speed.
In the west, there's the picture of Cabot Apartments, just as it looks in the book.
Pass Chalfonte and life looks more alive.
Stop at Fenkell.
A man with an empty shopping cart walks the crosswalk and wraps around the passenger side to the gas station driveway.
He moves with his eyes on his path and his focus on this cart.
Turn left and at Livernois, turn right.
"Beepers" "Motown cellular" - a small copy shop with pinkish awnings; one of many down here.
North on Livernois.
Puritan separates the old beaten Meat & Produce store from the U of D Mercy college campus.
Stores look newer.
Take a left on Outer Drive and a right on Meyers.
Almost to the office.
Thousands of duplexes with missing shingles, crowded lawns, and trash cans, line each side of the busy street.
8 Mile and Meyers.
The socioeconomic boarderline.
The concrete gatekeeper dividing Detroit and the suburbs.

Meyers and Northend.
East then park.
Weather said it was supposed to be raining.


Drivin into the sun....

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Introspective
Sensitive
Reflective


You come to grips more frequently and thoroughly with yourself and your environment than do most people. You detest superficiality; you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. But your relationships with your friends are very strong, which gives you the inner tranquility and harmony that you require. You do not mind being alone for extended periods of time; you rarely become bored.

stalling before I have to leave for Marshall......

Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?
Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

What Drink Are You?
What Drink Are You?



mmmm beer.

Monday, June 23, 2003

This weekend was absolute bliss. Except with bliss comes a tinge of pain --- it always happens don't say it doesn't, nothing in this world can be flawless --- I have a sunburn on my legs....ouch ouch ouch. Hey but the bright side about the sunburn is that my arms are tan. uhh, wait...no....that's not really a bright side. Dah nevermind, my arms are tan dude. I'm so excited. Peace, lovin, and gooooodnesss!

Friday, June 20, 2003

I just decided, right now, I don't like Toby Keith. I'll admit that he's a talented guy but I'm getting so sick of hearing that "Beer for My Horses" song on the radio. "we'll raise up our glasses against evil forces saying 'whiskey for my men and beer for my horses'" - I'm sorry but I hate that such a great talent is perpetuating such .... should I call it patriotism or denial? eehhhhhh, I'm not gonna get into it but that's all I wanted to say...it's a blah song I think (blah as in blah not as in any other bad word - just to clarify).

I suppose I shouldn't be listening to country on this side of the state but I can't help it. There are so many stupid pop stations that play the same stupid pop songs like that American Idol song .... uhh, "Ms. Independent" I think .... over and over and over again. I figure since I don't know all that much about old country singers like Reba (well she's not that old), Dolly, or Willie Nelson, it wouldn't hurt to switch to the country station everyday after Howard Stern. I'd listen to 89X but frankly, everytime I turn that on now, I hear a Creed or a Lincoln Park song. I don't mind the bands, well maybe not so much Creed, but I can't stand the songs from their new albums. They were nice the first couple of times but now I can't take it.....So country it is I guess. As a result though, the last three CD's I bought were country artists/bands. Eh, oh well.

I'm looking at the clock right now and it says 12:30. I thought it was later than that. I am so bored today. Work is so slow; Tom and my dad need to get some jobs so I can be swamped with work again. I hear that's happening a lot though....the guys at Discount tell me it's really slow there too. I hope things pick up. I hope everyone gets busy again.....I hope our economy turns into a bull market soon...I'm gonna be looking for a job in less than a year so it better hurry up.
Why do I have this feeling that you weren't where you were supposed to be last night?

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

going home....going home now.
quick update:

In my mom's room:

"what the hell is with dad?"
smiles "he told me on the way to lunch that he knew he was wrong"
"what."
"he's just frustrated cause he's got a lot to do and we can't help him out"

In my office:
My dad pats me on the back "are you ok now?"

What? Am I ok? I'm not even gonna answer that question Mr. LaDuke.

Jason came into my office like 25 minutes ago (he was here to talk to my dad)....Yea I bet he's glad to be gone.
Yea. You what dad? Fuck you.

This morning:
"Here fill this out for Midland, the address should be in that program"
"Ok"


Just Now:
"Why don't you get your stuff and we'll just leave tomorrow morning to go to Midland"
"And Bay City?"
"...and Bay City? I thought there was only one more"
"Yea I have a work order for Bay City"
"Then what do you have in Midland?"
"I don't have one"
"Why did you fill out something for Midland"
"Because you told me 'Midland - the address should be in that program'"
"Why didn't you ask me 'dad I don't have a work order - do you mean Bay City'"
"Because I don't questions, if you tell me we need to go there, that's what I fill out"
"Jacqueline if I wanted a robot I would've hired one"

I am so fucking close to quitting.....I am so fucking close to saying F you and leaving.....I am so fucking mad ...... am I supposed to guess? He's yelled at me before for asking questions......oh my god I am pissed......why is he the only one in the fucking world who can make me want to cry with a stupid arguement.......awe fuck you.


no no no you don't understand yet. Another instance:

"the drawings I gave to that guy were wrong" he points at the old drawings on the wall "see they don't have this and this"
"well the ones that I have, I changed the first time you told me to change them"
"yea but I know there's ones that have this and this on them"
"ok but I don't have them - I can change the ones I have to match the wall"
"fine - do whatever but I know I have those drawings"

Did I mention I am getting so fucking sick of his guessing games? Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe I really should know that when he asks me to change a drawing I've never worked with before - I should know to change them to match the drawings on the wall. Or I should know that when he says Midland, he means Bay City.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

I want to have kids.
alright!! blogger is ok....I'm on the other computer.....whew....that was close.
what's happening ....what's going on?.....why does blogger look like this? I'm confused...I hope this is only because i'm on a unix based computer.....d'oh!

Monday, June 16, 2003

Sometimes I think I miss it but now I realize I really don't. To be honest, I'm really glad that those nights are few and far between....sad to say...I just don't feel like I care as much anymore. It's just funny to think that once, I would've been crushed to miss one of 'em. Eh - I'm startin to think it's mutual.
For the last two days I've been driving with the windows down and the county music turned up....it feels so nice.

Thursday, June 12, 2003

I hope my little post shows up on pimps when you use the previous posts' link.....
Two pimps.... Ahahahhahahhahahahahhahahhahahahhahhahahhahahahha I'm a dummay.
I felt a challenge to my intellect this morning as my father insisted I was at fault for not "finishing" a drawing. I don't think you'd want to be in the room for that....I took a breath and told him that I can't get anything "right" if he merely resorts to yelling at me for not having a completed product, as if I'm supposed to just know what he wants.

"The roof isn't drawn in Jacqueline"
"Yes it is dad - it's right there"
"No it's not, look, it's hatched"
"I can see that it's hatched but that's the area"
"No, that's not the area"
"Dad, what the hell are you talking about, it's right there!"
"No! That's not the area I'm talking about"
"Dad, come back, I'll have this done and I'll show you that's the area"
--------20 minutes later-------------
"That's the area...now put this label here and print it out"
"Oh my god you are impossible."

That was this morning. This afternoon I was kinda happy. Now I'm just in a bad mood again. My ribs hurt. My neck and shoulders are tight. Eh, I think I'm just tired of this place. I'm ready to head out west.

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

I'm sorry but I just don't feel like I should be happy or go lucky right now. I just don't. Maybe it's because the day is dark and gloomy on this side of the state, maybe it's because I have an overwhelming feeling of isolation, maybe it's because I'm just thinking about something else, I don't know. I just don't feel happy.

16. 16 has recently been my body's favorite number. 16 seconds, 16 minutes, 16 hours, 16 days, 16 thosand times I thought about 16 today. At the end of the 16th second of the 16th minute of the 16th hour of the 16th day - my body decides it wants to hurt - 16 million times worse than it's ever hurt before. Ugh, I hate 16. But now that I've mentioned "16" 16 times, I can move on.

I guess I just don't like life right now. I'm growing more callous. I mean, I start to get anxious about something and then I'm like "just brace yourself and you'll be fine". For example, I have to see someone on Monday and there could be several outcomes to this meeting..... 1. nothing 2. something or 3. something bad. Now I've gotten all three outcomes from past meetings but this time - the situation is very unique. So unique it's consumed nearly every thought in my brain for the last ... (well you know) ... days. I know the more anxiety I feel, the more callous and tough I'm gonna act ..... and I've been trying to keep that at bay for the last week or two ....... I guess I'm just gonna have to grin and bear it for the next couple of days. So if I'm a jerk this weekend, you'll know why....I just hope I'm not that bad.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

I've been listening to the same CD over and over again.......I have no thought - no ounce of energy - no will to continue with this awful day.....

Monday, June 09, 2003

personal issues, fraud, this...... I can't say I'm not a little hurt. I found out some stuff I don't think I wanted to know.....I need to go home and sleep. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
I was on the radio! I was on the radio!! Only for like 5 seconds but I was on the 97.1 talking about "the worst dental problem" I've ever had. YEA!! I was on the radio!!! hehehhehhehehhehe.
Dave was soo cute in his cap and gown! He finally gradumacated this weekend. No more high school for him!!! Yea!!! Speaking of gradumacation, his open house was awesome. Though the turn out wasn't what we had expected, the family drank like everyone showed up. I had 10 margaritas/dacquaris (yummm) and then had one drink downtown at the pub. My uncles and my dad were going manhatten for manhattan(sp?) - which ended with my uncle jumping off the roof and into the pool. The jump was a 10 but the potential for disaster was a 11+. But he didn't get hurt and we all laughed. :-).


And to you: I used to say that I didn't care about politics. In fact, I used to go as far as to say "f politics - I don't care what anyone thinks". But it's different now I think. It's hard for me to break old habits, but for the sake of avoiding forseen chaos, I'm going to have to care about what the world thinks. I don't think I have any other choice.

Friday, June 06, 2003

I'm starting to get a little excited about my brother's graduation party tomorrow. My mom has all this good food out and the house looks good - she's really pullin in the interest. We made Sam's Club bucket-o-margaritas last night and although we used Jose instead of clear El Toro - I think they might be good. I tell ya, I can't wait till I get to relax and have a couple drinks tomorrow. ;-)
I'm no longer in a bad mood. :-) Smiles

Thursday, June 05, 2003

I'm in such a bad mood.
Well this is nice - I like a little revamping every now and then. Nice job bloggie!

So I don't even know if I should post most of what I really want to say this morning, but I'll try and let some out. I'm never doing that again. The whole dueling pianos, stuffing 10,000 people in one small room, and 'trendy' atmosphere of this place in Pontiac we went to last night, was not particularly my style at all. But at any rate, I'm glad that Rox, K, Linds, Amy, and everyone else had a good time. .....

I started writing more but I can't post it - it makes me sound like a complete moron and although it's true, I am a complete moron, I don't want to seem like one. I'd rather know personally that I'm a big dork/igit.... :-}


Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Should this be the case

Report suspicious telemarketing calls to the National Fraud Information Center Hotline, 1-800-876-7060.

My day just went horribly wrong.
net charge? what the hell?
what the hell just happened?
Give me coffee or give me sleep

So last night at about midnight - Rox plunged into the world of legal adulthood with a couple of tequila shots and a couple of drafts. Although she could still walk when we left at 2am, the night was still fun filled. We got there of course at the stroke midnight and ordered up a Murphy Red & two Blue Lights. There were a few dozen people around but the place didn't seem that crowded so the three of us grabbed a seat in the back and started talking. A few minutes pass and Rox tells me that she saw Court walk by a few times then suggested we get her to come over and talk to us for a minute. Ok I haven't seen Court since, well, pretty much since high school so I was like 'hell no, I'll do more than that...I'm gonna go give this girl a hug and ask her whats up dude'. So I call her over - she tells us to come join Heather & Kristen in the front to hang out. I see Heather and Kristen (who was blitzed) and I almost fell on the floor. The last time I saw Heather was when she graduated from high school in 97 and Kristen in 98...I could not believe I was standing in the bar with my old crew!

We started talking and a flood of old memories flowed through my head. We talked about nicknames, old coaches, parties, near hospital trips....oh my god...and that everyone still hangs out; Court, Fin, Kate, Tif, Heather, Hotra.....and all the rest....jebus I can't believe it. We talked about hanging out sometime and I'm a little nervous about considering that. I loved them, they were like my best friends in high school, but they make me wanna do baaaad things. It's not that they suggest it or anything but that old, suppressed rebel inside of me begs to come out when I see them. It's almost like back when my brother and I were younger....we used to go up north and walk to these foot hills, climb up to the top, and start little fires with Birch. Birch is illegal to burn in Michigan but we did anyways cause, well, cause we just wanted to see fire. Now every time I go up north, we drive by these little foot hills and I look up to the top, see a Birch tree, and I want to burn a piece with Dave. I'm 21 years old and I still want to hike up to the top and smell the little fire. That's how it's like when I'm around my old buddies. I just wanna smell that first spark again ;-) I wanna be like I was when I met them; no worries, screw school, f coaches, I have no future...life was great. But I can't lose it now - not even for a minute.

Kinggo (not yet 21) stopped outside and asked a waiter to grab us for a second. She's prolly the only one, in my entire life, that hung out with - that was younger than I was. She's such a cool girl. Last night, she told me I don't look like me and it was kinda funny. In fact all of them we're like "whoa - that's not Duke - whoa, it is" We walked by Court a few times and I guess she was like "I don't think I would've ever thought it was you" I'm not surprised though, everyone I've ever run into post high school haven't yet recognized me. It might be the fact that my hair was waist length and blond, I lived in a soccer sweatshirt and jeans, and I didn't really ever talk to anyone but I don't know - maybe not :-)

All in all the night was fun. Rox, good choice in bars...we'll have to go again sometime. Well, I'm out - Happy Birthday Rox and I'll see ya tonight for the party. Later yall.

Monday, June 02, 2003

My weekend was platinum - with the exception of one brief moment on Saturday.

It all started on Thursday night when K called, desperately looking for some poor soul to go out with her to a bar in Rochester. Now the girl has some serious bad luck with meeting potentials so I wasn't about to turn her down. As I understand it, she was under the impression that she and this guy were going out to the bar together but he calls her an hour before and tells her to bring friends. So she calls me and we show up at the bar at 11ish. GUY (we're just gonna call him that) comes up to us as we're ordering somin at the bar, buys our drinks, and then leads us off to a table where we sit and chat for a bit. He seems like a nice enough guy, works for a car company, very white collar, and very much into buying for all three of us. At that point, I thought he was a stand up guy. Well, as we get into conversation, he has a friend come over and sit with us so that there's four, and we start talking about work. The entire conversation for the two hours we were there was about work. Ugh. Finally it seems like K meets this cool guy, a gentleman no less, and he's so incredibly dull. You know, she's such an all around awesome girl - very respectful, thoughtful, kind hearted, etc - there's not one bad bone in her body - it's just these stupid scum guys that come up to her when we're out that just utterly disappoint me. Now this one was definitely different than previous but he was so ... dull. Anyway - so on the way home we tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, like he was with work friends and that him and K weren't alone - or whatever cause he did truly seem like a gentleman. I hope when she goes out with him again he's a little more interesting.

Friday seemed to come and go quickly. Before I knew it, I was drinkin a beer with my dad in the den of the cottage and it was 11 oclock. I feel bad drinkin in front of my sister cause I didn't want to show her that drinkin was cool - god knows at her age, I woulda been craving a sip - but then I remembered that she's not me and she knows I'm 21. So all three of us chill out and relax before bed.

Saturday morning rolls around and we leave to go to Tomahawk (aka Weber Lake). We get there, unload the bikes, gas em up, and head off on the trail. Good lord...my mom and sister went slow. I couldn't get out of 2nd gear the whole time and when I finally did, I went ahead of the pack and ended up waiting at the end of the trail segment for like 15 mintues. So I decided I would just ride behind my mom so that I could stay with them - oops bad idea. My mom doesn't have a brake light and given that she's not clocked in the hours my dad and I have, one notices real fast that she likes to slow down randomly without warning (such as a brake light). I almost ran her over a half-a dozen times. One time in particular though, I probly should have. I watch her as she guns it up this medium sized hill in first gear and she seems to clear it, so I grip and ride up. On the other side, all I can see is a clay rut, peg deep, wet, with her stuck in the middle of it standing beside her bike - so I slam on the breaks and stick my pegs into the side of the rut to stop. The first thing that runs through my head is "oh shit, Jillian's gonna kill me if she doesn't stop on the top" - I look back and she's on the top of the hill and my dad cruises up beside her and into the woods. Finally, after yellin at my mom to get her bike out of the way, she rides down and gets herself stuck in the woods again. I needed to get out of the way so I jump on my bike and head down. Well, my mom decides she's gonna move and then all goes to hell. Trying to stop quickly on a steep hill covered in clay is like trying to stop on ice with bald tires. I completely flip over the handlebars and crash on my back. I'm getting this blinding pain in the same knee that I ruined when Axle and I went riding three weeks ago - so I can't move. I see my mom standing over me like "is your neck ok? is it ok?!!" Woman! My neck is fine! Oh man, I don't ever remember my leg hurting so bad. We got on the bikes and continued though...course I could breath again at that point. Needless to say, I didn't ride behind my mom anymore. WHen we got back to the car, dad and I slammed two beers, and took my mom out for another short ride - I was riding last behind pops.

Saturday night was great. We went over to my "aunt" Karin and "uncle" Bill's house for some grub. By the end of the night, I'd finished a bottle of wine pretty much by myself so I was feelin pretty damn good. Sunday morning rolled its ugly head over though....We went off to church, came back and did some yard work, had a huge breakfast, and then left at about two. We stopped for a quick ride in Traverse and that was ok. We went out on a small 13 mile loop but by the end of it, I jumped out and took the long way back so I could ride a little faster. Turns out I got an extra half hour ride...sweet. I came back, had a beer, and then fell asleep for the majority of the ride home.

We get home, I throw my stuff in my room, and I can smell stale smoke floatin around in there. My stupid f-ing brother smoked in the house again. I come home and my room smells like the f-ing bar. I told him the last time to get the f out of the house if he wants to smoke - but no, he can't stand to walk outside. I just don't understand the kid, it's like he chooses to be treated like a fool - he complains about not being included in stuff but he doesn't understand that my parents don't include him in shit because he does stupid shit like smoke in the house. Dave, I love ya boy but your being a dummy.

This is like the fourth time I've saved and worked on this post - I'm beginning to lose my train of thought - so I'll just publish it. I'll write more this afternoon if I have time....later yall.