Thursday, April 29, 2004

Achives - THey actually work?

I can't believe it but my old archives actually work! I think I'm going back to the old school type posting. I wrote more meaningful and rather journalistic (for lack of a better fake word) posts. Frankly, I don't think I gave those old posts enough credit - I need to start writing like that again.
Did I ever mention that I like coffee? I like coffee. I used to have a cup on the way to my internship every morning - vanilla coffee with vanilla nondairy creamer. It was so good; had the taste of vanilla but zing of coffee. Now, I have my dad's OMEGA coffee. No, OMEGA is not a brand name, it describes the burst of caffeine that brews in the pot every morning. It's like a little dose of crack in every cup. I can't have more than a cup or I won't be able to sleep tonight. It's good....but very coffee beany.

(space indicates new thought)

I'm starting to like diet soda. I'm surprised but I'm growing fond of diet. I really like buying it during the day because whenever I'm done, I'll fill the bottle up with water. mmmm water.

I can't wait till I get to break in my swiss army camelbak. Everyone will be jealous on the trail....well....not my older brother cause I "copied off" him but everyone else will be jealous. Yea. I love camping and riding.

I hope next weekend will be somewhat warm. I don't want to freeze me bum off at night in my tent. That would so not be cool.

Damn. 8:20 - I gotta go to a job. My dad's getting annoyed because I haven't left yet but HELLO DAD it's 8:20 .... morning rush hour??? DUh. (hee hee.) :)

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Grades came out Grades came out GRADES CAME OUT!

Normally I wouldn't be excited about this sort of thing but today is a good day and I can be excited.

My morning just got a little brighter - I'm gonna let you folks in on it. I got a 3.91 this last semester. My cumulative GPA is now a 3.54 - Although I didn't walk with a cord, I graduated with honors. JML cum laude grad. Crazy. Today is a good day.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

It's only Tuesday. Geez. :-)

I really need to focus on the little god given advantages I've been blessed with instead of complaining. That being said, I am so excited for this new month. This weekend I get to go to the Mac-Win wedding (which is going to be a great time), next weekend I'm hittin up the trails in Grayling, the 16th I have to attend a premarriage seminar, the 22nd I'm riding at Weber Lake with the parents, and the 29th is DEMF. I feel busy. I love it. Although I am a little disappointed because Kalamazoo doesn't really fit in there anywhere - I guess I'll have to wait till June.

I heard some time ago, that Howard Stern was going to be kicked off the radio. However, yesterday morning I found out that he's still on in Detroit. I'd really like to say that although I don't condone his behavior, I do appreciate what he's trying to do. It's rather funny though because some of the people who are arguing for the FCC regulations and the people fighting the FCC are not battling on the same battle field. The FCC is contending that Howard Stern is violating decency standards and should be removed from the air waves for repeatedly violating regulations and for, put basically, broadcasting smut. Anti-FCC folks are saying that the first amendment guarantees the right to free speech; Howard Stern is testing the limits of those regulations and containing government intervention. So I started debating with my mother - I love debating. Though, I must admit, it was a little difficult because we were both coming from different directions.

It's like the abortion argument. One side is saying that abortion is morally wrong and the other is saying that to make abortion illegal imposes regulations on the female body - regulations that do not exist equally for a male. I'd argue this but some nut will probably tell me that I'm a baby killer and miss the point of the argument........Don't get me wrong, if this argument was solely based on morals than I would agree that it's wrong - I would never do it - HOWEVER I don't believe it has anything to do with morals. Anyway I'll probably get back to this later.

Monday, April 26, 2004

Well I wasn't going to write again but I have a couple of minutes.....

Unless you've worked for family you have no idea about what I'm going to say. It's only the first day and this waiting is driving me crazy. I've been working here for four years now and my brother already has more responsibility and respect than I've gotten in the four years combined. My boss is my father, he knows how hard I work, he knows what I'm capable of yet my brother gets more shit to do than me. My specialty is drawing and f-ing waiting. When is it going to be my turn? When is he going to take me seriously?

OH I can feel this little burning flame inside my chest. I know I have drive. Give me some freakin responsibility. Give me more to do. Stop sheltering my job. Give me something meaningful to do or I'm so leaving.
I need to buy a scale. Oh wait, I need a paycheck first :-).
Well, it's all over folks. I'm at work, in Detroit, and no longer going to live in Kalamazoo. I do miss it a little but not as much as I've missed this place. I'm happy to be at work but I'm very weary about it at the same time. I really want some responsibility. I hope I can have some soon. Ugh, I hate this white shirt, I wish I wore another shirt today. UUUGGGh. I want to work out today. Speaking of which I signed up for this trial membership at a club about 2 miles from my office. They don't seem to be open before work so I signed up for the eveningish workout time. Maybe, if it's cool - I'll continue the membership for however long the contract lasts. I'm ready to look and feel better and I think this might help. I gotta do something, I feel so gross.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

There's a party goin down accross the parking lot in the other building in my complex. Everybody's outside and they look like they're having some fun. A couple people asked if Karin and I were going but hmmm....prolly not no. :)

So how does it feel to be done forever? I don't know. I was really happy yesterday but today just feels like another day. Maybe I just don't believe it yet. Whoooo I'll tell ya what I do believe though, I do believe that this room looks like a tornado hit it. Ugh, this will be my eighth time moving in four years and I'm starting to get a little annoyed. ESPECIALLY because I know I'll be moving again in a couple of months. I should just start collecting boxes. I'll be the box lady.

ooooo I just threw away ALLLLL of my old folders and it felt SOOOO good. I'm not saving any of that stuff anymore! I'm so sick of looking at school work! I just want to work for a while. Maybe I'll go back to school later, maybe I'll have kids ;) maybe I won't. I just want to lay low and relax for a while. Maybe I'll do some biking and some house shopping but that's it. Oh it feels good just to be done with this.

And now for the sad part. I'm leaving in three days. Three days! My last three days living here ever in my life. I'll miss staring at this sill full of shot glasses from around the US, these pictures next to my screen, these jerseys and pictures on the wall, my loft bed, my little room, and my own apartment. Hmm. Good times. Good times.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

So I've been working on the whole social anxiety thing I've been dealing with for some time. I guess it started back in high school but we won't discuss that any further.....Anyway, so last night there were a few times when I felt like I really wanted to go home but I fought back. I'm glad I did too - I had a smashing good time. Although, I must say my opinion on piano bars hasn't changed since my first experience in Pontiac...but this time I was a little tipsy so I had a good time. I guess I was really happy the night went the way it did.

I was going to write more but it's 7:30 and I have to go.

Thursday, April 15, 2004

I started writing something yesterday about my last day at the Circuit Court but i'm glad I decided not to post it. I had a bad day- but it's over now so I'm not going to complain.

Today is a beautiful day isn't it? Although I'm not ready for it to be t-shirt weather, I do enjoy the warm breeze.

The more I think about finals the more I convince myself that I'm not worried. So I have a lot of work to do in the next 7 days - so what? I'll get to it eventually.

Dana moved out last night. I can't say that I'm not sad about it because I miss her a little today. I LOVE the fact that my apartment is probably the cleanest it's been since December though. Then again, I kinda miss having someone to vent to. for the most part, I'm just glad these four years are coming to a close and my post-college years can begin.

I'm gonna miss all the people I have come to know over the years. This is leading into something that I've wanted to say for a long time......this person is one of the most kind and loving people I met here....I was so lost my freshman year, living alone in the dorms, knowing about 2 people on campus - I thought my sophmore (sp?) year was gonna be even worse. then I met Jen. Let me tell you people, I have never in my life had a friend that was surgerically attached to my hip (and I of course to hers) nearly 24 hours a day. I have never met anyone else like her and i just wanted to give her a shout out. We've been through a lot chica.

"Skrew you molecule"
"Look - if you buy two, you get one Mountain Dew FREE!!"

Monday, April 12, 2004

God I'm tired of this. I'm sorry readers.

I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself. I'm fucking tired of it.
It's that time of year again. Crunch time. Great.

I took a bath to try and get myself to relax and I guess it worked...well I think it worked.....crap whoa am I kidding, I'm as relaxed as a mouse in a snake cage. I feel diminished and the sprint to get through these last two weeks has barely begun.

There are several things that are causing these forehead wrinkles in addition to school. I found out that my brother quit his job to work for my dad. My dad just found out that I'm taking a year off from school - he sounded surprised - I don't know if that's good or bad. I lopped off a chunk of my index finger slicing onions this past weekend. I'm experiencing job related stress from filing 8 hours a day. I'm getting the feeling that my dad isn't excited about me coming back to work with him - which kinda makes me think I should just find something else.

I'm never first in my dad's book. I'm always fucking second. He makes me feel so dumb. I'm told I "should" do this and I "should" do that - as if the way I conduct my life isn't good enough. I can't ride a bike fast enough. I'm slow. I can't have responsibility because I'm too young. I can't have my own opinion because it's childish. I'm not smart. Why do I work so hard if the only job I'll ever have is an administrative one? Why don't I just live at home? That's what I deserve right? I'm not an adult. I'm a child. Right dad?

God I don't want to feel this way. When am I going to be a success in his eyes? Why does he make me feel this way? I'm sorry. I could save the world and he'd tell me I forgot about the moon.

Saturday, April 10, 2004

I have so much to do but I don't want to do it. I know I have this LONG 20 page mini-dissertation-like paper due in a week and a half but I have NO desire to even touch it. Sometimes I do better when I cram I think. .... Errr....sometimes.

I turned in my internship paper yesterday. All I wanted to say was that I hated my job but I couldn't.....what happens if someone from either the District or Circuit Court read it? --they're nice people - it's the job that sucked. Eh, to tell you the truth though, it really made me think about law school. I believe people when they tell me that I shouldn't take a year off and that I'll never go back. I believe that when people tell me that the first year in law school breaks up relationships. And I do believe that law school is $$$ expensive $$$ and that it's difficult. However - they don't see what I see every Monday and Wednesday and sometimes Friday. I look at these people and I see that some are still fightin the good fight but geewillikers, I just can't see myself doin it. All this f-in city does is prosecute poor black folk.

It's that stupid image. White judge, white prosecutor, white defense attorney, black defendant. Go on Michigan.gov and find the offender tracking site - when you type in John Smith - see how many black people come up. 49% of the 2 million people in prison/jail are black. Black people represent 12.7% of the total population!!!! And that's just the tip of the iceberg. No one can tell me that we're not racist in this country. I can't work somewhere like that. I know I know, all of you criminal justice majors out there are like - "well hell don't expect to work anywhere in the cjs" but what am I supposed to do? I kinda dreamed about living in Marshall MI till I found out that black people were allowed to work and live in Marshall only a few years ago. Police officers talk about black people as if they're animals. Apparently people in Benton Harbor and Battle Creek don't like to hire black people. AAhh.

I don't like images being put into my head. I don't want them placed into my children's heads. I know I'll never get away from it but you know what - I'm damn sure gonna try.

(long sigh). Well enough of me complaining....again. I'll I seem to do is complain lately. Well kids, I'm sorry if I've disappointed you in any way. I promise I'll try to make more entries more uplifting.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Last Tuesday, a friend of mine told me that she'd gotten into a car accident. She was outside Monico (sp?) Bay after a night of drunken fun and decided to drive her car home with two other friends in the back seat. That night ended up costing her 2500 dollars worth of damage to her 800 dollar car and a DUI. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I mean I know some people who have DUI's on record but I never really let it sink in. I'm scared to drink now. I had two Guiness's tonight and waited about an hour before leaving with my buddies so I was cool ... but I can't really explain how it felt to sit behind the wheel. I didn't have even the slighest buzz tonight but I feel like I want to give up drinking or something. It's almost not worth it to me. The luster is diminishing I think and it's funny because I don't really care about it. I rarely get hammered anymore so all drinking is becoming a.....well....it's just a drink.. It's just liquid..... It's no longer something cool or fun really. It's just fluid. Why do I need it?

Folks, you may see a new me soon....one that's not afraid of people anymore....one that doesn't need a drink to feel comfortable talking to strangers.......I don't know.....maybe.

Thursday, April 01, 2004

Well as far as I know, I have a job this summer.....or should I say I have a career.....that I get to go home to. If any of you were over at my apartment right now, in my room, you'd see that I am so smiling about that . I'm also looking at my desk, covered in papers, going "ree ree ree" and making a stabbing gesture with my hand....but that's a WHOLE 'nuther story. I'm going home. I'm going back to Detroit and never coming back to live in this AWFUL awful, money grubbing, jail over-filling, life sucking, waste of a perfectly good piece of western michigan, town....and going to a bigger city. Yes, where concrete covers as far as the eye can see, where people drive 55 in a 25 mile an hour zones, where 10 miles can seem like 10 hours at 7:30am or 5pm, where buildings stand above clouds and bridges connect two countries.........yes, there isn't another place in the world that has Greek Town, Mexican Town, and Industrial Park all within a 15 mile radius.....yes...I mean DETROIT CITY - MOTOWN - HOME OF THE LIONS, TIGERS, and WINGS oh my - HOCKEY TOWN - YEA HART PLAZA and the REN CEN - THE FISHER - COBO - FORD FIELD - ROSA PARKS AVE - and, my favorite, THE LODGE FREEWAY. super.

Well, to close all this hoopla about my leaving.....I shall give all of you my tenative date of departure....April 25. Yes, 5/25/04. Ah, I'm gonna miss this place ;-).