Thursday, December 30, 2004

I'm so disgusted with the myself and the world today, I kinda wish I could hang out at the moon for a while.
I am so glad this is the last full work day of the last week of 2004. This year SUCKED in business. Absolutely, positively SUCKED. I wanna go home so bad right now.
So I called this guy yesterday to get a quote on something and I asked him if he'd like to stop by to take a look at a set of drawings. He tells me that he might be able to come by this afternoon before we close at 2pm. I paused for a second and then said "we don't close at 2." This guy's like "oh come on, you guys won't work much past 2 right? It's a holiday weekend." I responded in this 'you better believe it' tone: "Dude we're open till 5 AND half day tomorrow." I hear silence on the phone for a quick second, "Ok I'll be there by four." I hung up feeling a little overworked.

I swear the crappiest part of this whole business is that because some people in this industry are untrustworthy, the few honest people left are fucked. For example, if you tell a professor that your dog ate your homework and he/she isn't going to believe you. Why? Because a few untruthful people told the same story when it didn't actually happen. Now take this sheet of paper I have in front of me. I wrote, "it took us 16 hours to get this thing installed". I got a letter back yesterday that says "I say it only took you four hours". Hmmm. Uhh Hmmmmm. Really? Did it? I didn't know you worked here - when did you become our superintendent? It's like the professor saying "ok fine, despite my best efforts I'll take your word for it but I don't think your dog ate all your homework, he only ate a quarter of it." What IN THE BLUE FUCKING HELL.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

I was scrolling through blogs and I found this one. She seems pretty cool.

Tired Mom
There are only three more days left in 2004. THREE. I can't believe it. Everything's happened so fast! I mean.......

This time last year, I was driving back to kzoo for New Years.
7 days from today, last year, Karin was 22.
12 days from today, I called my Grandmother at 11pm to tell her I was engaged.
I bought my wedding dress about two months from today.
I turned 22 62 days from today.
Lindsay celebrated her 22nd 91 days from today.
I graduated with a BA 114 days from today last year.
I started my career as a PM 116 days from today.
Rob and Laura - 121 days til marriage.
Roxanne was 22 157 days from now.
193 days from today I closed on my first house.
Paul moved in 243 days from today.
In 303 days I would've had my marriage license.
In 323 days, it was validated in front of 200 some people.
And finally, I was probably getting ready to leave at about this time, 362 days from today - December 28th, 2003.

Crazy year eh? I thought so.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Note to Self

Remember to say congratulations to:
John & Michelle --- 2005
John & Amanda --- 2006?
Sarah & Pat --- 2005?
Joe D & Heather --- 2006
Scott & Lindsay --- 2005

I better start preparing - anyone got any Guiness?

The roads were nearly empty this morning. I guess no sensible business person comes in to work between such grand holidays like Christmas and New Years. Note to self: eventually become sensible.
Congratulations Joe D and Heather!!
May you have a very merry engagement!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Congratulations SARAH & PAT
Happy Engagement to you!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Well my mom's b-day celebration was great. I love it when people come over.....except when I clean every plate in the house and the dishes are still only half done.

Ok I feel I need to mention this because this is kind of a big thing for me and where better to talk about it right? I've been asked to go to a reunion dinner with my old teammates from the Birmingham Blazers. ...Flashback...

++My coach Kevin once told me that he cut a good player so I could be on the team and if I didn't perform well, I'd be in the same place she was.
++My coach Kevin told me I was a terrible player...almost every day.
++My coach Kevin wouldn't acknowledge me after I scored the goal that put us in the State Finals.
++My coach Kevin used to send girls home crying after practice.
++My coach Kevin told me I needed to be on the field a week after a ligament-tearing ankle injury.
++My coach Kevin is why I still have incredibly high standards for myself.
++Unless Kevin liked you, you were hated or ignored by other girls.
++Kevin once told us, after we received the trophy for being 2nd in the State, that "we did't win the silver, we lost the gold". Our practices doubled.
++I didn't have many friends then.
++Soccer was my life, support system, and reason I can never comfortably say I did well at anything unless it was perfect.

There are more but those are the dramatic of all memories. The whole team bought into Kevin's whole nazi regime. Everyone was afraid to tell their parents because this team was supposed to be the best and the best 'don't have dirty little secrets' - just pure talent and direction. The team was difficult to get on but once you were accepted you worked you're ass off with no complaints. One complaint and you're hated and eventually kicked off. I'm not kidding either. If he liked you or you're parents, he saw room for you to improve - if he didn't, he felt you'd never get better. I don't care to see him or anything related to him. Not even the girls.

I spent my entire high school soccer career hating myself because I wasn't perfect. I was a starter on Varsity my first year in high school (one of two freshman that year) and was written up in the paper a few times. I was awarded all-league and all-area but I couldn't enjoy any of this because it wasn't perfect. I NEVER thought I was a good player. I never once doubted that I really sucked - I just got lucky sometimes. My social life changed. Things happened that I couldn't control. I thought I was seriously worseless both as a player and a person. And then I fucked up and self-medicated with drugs and booze. I lost a part of myself back then. And I was only 16.

To this day, there are some things I regret so much, it makes me sick to my stomach to even remember that they even happened. I started college by the time I could even begin to recover and I don't know that I'm strong enough to face those people again. I've more recently, begun to feel that Kevin put me in this whirlwind of self-destructive behavior at 14 because I wasn't confident in myself to refuse his power trips. I don't blame him for everything I've ever done but can't accept now, that he hasn't played a significant, negative role in my life.

I hate him with every fiber of my being.

Now you know everything.

Monday, December 20, 2004

I seriously need to clean off my desk today. It's entirely too messy to function correctly. Which is pretty bad because a desk really doesn't have much of a function. Der.

Anyhoo- I'm looking forward to my mom's birthday party tonight at my house. I like entertaining for small gatherings. I feel like I'm an adult....which is funny because ever since Paul and I got married, people have been treating us like we're old now. For example, my grandmother told me "hey bring bread to the Christmas party - you're in charge of bread." And I was all "what? I have to bring stuff now?" AND THEN, now this is scary to me, I see my 'little' cousins who, I swear, were 3' tall and screaming the last time I saw them, are now 6' and driving --- I almost caught myself saying "I remember when you were this tall" with the inevitable hand motion indicating the distance between the floor and what was once the tops of their heads. I can't believe it, I'm becoming the 'aunt' -- aka the #1 reason not to mingle at a Christmas party when you're young and easily embarrassed. UGH at least I didn't say it. yuck! I'M NEVER THINKING IT AGAIN.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Well I cracked a little last night. I went to yet another meeting at one of my projects; I think it was number 17 or 18 but I can't be sure. Anyway, so there are seven, yes seven representatives from the University drilling me as to why tar smells, what areas are my guys working on next, what have they done, how come they're not done, blah blah blah shoot me now. I'm the only representative from our company in the room and I'm doin pretty well, I'm holding my own --- well as I far as I can tell --- and I finally get out of there an hour later. I go back to the office and I find out that the plan has changed and I was not informed.

This is what truly pisses me off about this business. Everyone seems to be out for themselves; fuck everyone else involved. My boss has taken over both of my jobs and then sends me to a meeting with absolutely no accurate information about the job whatsoever. THEN tries to pass it off on me like it's my fault for not asking everyone six times about what the hell is going on. I didn't know the plan changed. Apparently everyone else knew but me --- even the owners new but me? noooo. I'm sick of not being in the loop. "oh it's not important that someone tell Jackie about any new shit - let her ask" What the hell. Do you call your local news station every hour to find out if there's any new news? It's their fucking job to tell me any new plans!

UGH! It's a really good thing I was able to work off all that built up anger at the gym yesterday. Otherwise, I don't know what I would've done. What's worse is that I was definitely(sp?) mad but I was hurt too. I felt that some people in this company were deliberately keeping me out of the loop because of my inexperience. I felt that they told the people that they felt needed to know important information and I just happened to not fall within that group. Then I felt even worse when they told me that it was my fault for not being in the loop. I mean for fucks sake, I can't win with you people.

The only thing that kept me in this before was the fact that I can't stand giving up when things get tough ---- but now it's becoming more than that ---- now it's becoming about revenge. This motivation is developing into something like "guys do what ever the fuck you want to me now but you'll regret it later......I'm gonna be huge, like nothing you've ever seen a couple of years you'll be asking me to keep you in the loop......just wait - you ain't see nothin yet."

Thursday, December 16, 2004

You know what? I just decided today, I hate being in the office doin stuff for my jobs. I hate sitting here and making phone calls all day. I hate not being able to leave my desk. I'm definitely much happier loading/delivering material, fixing up sites, ordering new material, discussing jobsite/installation procedure, and --I shouldn't say this but-- I am sick and digustingly happier with pressure. I don't push myself hard enough when there isn't any pressure to get shit done so now I have this sick obsession with it. It's a truly repulsive quality I swear. Like right now, I should be copying details and ordering flashing material for one of my jobs. I know damn well that this blog is going to take me longer than 2 minutes to write but do I stop? No. I can't stop, I love it - it makes me feel busy and important - I love it. AH I can't believe I just wrote that! SICK!

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

So here I am at my desk, for the first time all day. I'm tired, I'm worn out, and I'd like to go home. I have a few parties to prepare for this weekend and I'd really like to get the house in good shape before Christmas. Ah, I tell ya, I'm turning into quite the busy bee.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Ok folks! If you want to see/buy pictures from the wedding, you can find them at

Tim Busch's website

Hope you like 'em!! Talk to yall later!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Lindsay Smith, you are one of thee most stunning people I know. No joke, you are smashingly gorgeous. I bet that's why I have tons of pictures of you from the wedding! You are magnetic my friend, absolutely magnetic!

I really didn't want to come into work this morning. It's super cold and I really don't want to know what's going on with my both of my jobs. I have two more that I might possible get within the next couple of weeks but I don't know - at this point, I would rather have another estimator handle those. AH! It's only 7:45, I hope lunch comes fast.

I had a good time in Kalamazoo this weekend. Jen, JoeD, Heather, and Jessica all graduated on Saturday so I went to say congratulations. Although I didn't get to see JoeD and Heather in person, I hope they really did have a good graduation day. I started at Jen's thing in GR, then we came back to Kzoo for maybe an hour before going to bed. That was pretty much the whole night.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday! It looks pretty and it smells good too. I love the smell of real trees - especially the ones I don't have to cut down myself. (shhhh don't say that to my parents, they just might get angry cause I didn't go with 'em to get it) My living room feels a little crowded now that there's a tree and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean I guess I could move my chair into the sun room but we're planning on shutting off that room cause a minor draft....Well, maybe I should just be happy with it right now. Eh, I don't know.

I realized this weekend that I like my job because of the people and the level of professionalism I have to maintain on a daily basis. I hate it because I'm not familiar with all of it yet, because I fear it, and because I loathe failing so much I can't quit when I feel it's getting too hard. I realized all this and that I'm missing something. I always felt that where-ever I ended up after graduation was where I was meant to be but I don't know that anymore. There's something out there that I need to do. I know there is, I can feel it. ....... ...... I just wish I could know what it is before I get in too deep.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Someone please write something. I'm getting bored rereading my own blog all the time.

I ruined my pants this morning. Someone ran over a can of Aluminum coating last night at my job and I "found" it this morning when I was unloading some materials. All of a sudden I move this tarp and BAM! I stepped in the black solvent part of the coating. I'm so gonna be smelling this crap on my pants all day - ugh it's gonna make me sick. That combined with the smell of hot coal tar pitch on my jacket is gonna make a nice smelly mess all frickin day. Whatever I guess. Smelling this crap is better than walking around pantless right??? ;)

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I really felt bad that I didn't go to dinner last night with Paul's brother. I wanted to but I just couldn't bring myself to leave the house. You see, it all started yesterday at about 7:10 in the morning. Doodaleeedo doodaleeedo dodaleeedo...........what? I'm trying to do a flashback for you. Anyway, I was just sittin at my desk, trying to reduce some of these paperwork stacks when my father walks into my office and demands that I stop what I'm doing and work on his stuff (this was noted in yesterday's post). So, like a good employee, I started working on my boss's requests but then B calls me and screams at me for not doing this or not doing that. Now I'm sitting at my desk and it's 8:10. My father walks in again, "did you call this person?" I try and explain that it's 10 minutes after business has officially opened and I can't talk to two companies about detailed information in 10 minutes. He's angry now I can tell. "CALL THEM" he tells me. So I call and ask if someone can meet me at the jobsite later that afternoon. A couple hours later I get another call and it's my father who decided that I needed a good ass kicking over the phone. I had to go pick up a few things then meet him down at the job. As i'm driving, the bottled up stress and anger and wild muscle spasms all start spilling out of me at the same time. I swear the people next to me on 8 Mile probably thought they were driving next to a crazy person.

After lunch, I go back to the jobsite with my father. On our way down there he says to me: "jack I talked to this person this morning and he said you ordered this." I tells 'em "yea I did. you told me we needed this now now now. B called and said we needed this now now now. And you gave me one number to call." THen he laughs, which annoys me to the point where I'm ready to shove him out of a moving car, and says "it's standard procedure to get a price and then order the work". Honestly what would you do if two people were screaming at you to get the work done then give you a number of who to call? You'd probably order the work to be done too. Anyhoo, so I finally spoke up and told him where to go with that comment. He looks at me and realizes I'm serious and then backs off. Then I start gettin into it with B's little shit comments. Of course, like always, he defends him and doesn't see my side at all. A least I feel that he's heard me though. Which is good. I think. Yea.

Today my father is a little better. Yes he did talk to me this morning but not with the same attitude as yesterday. I doubt that he did that because I bitched, I think it's just because he's in a better mood but still---I'll take it.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I want to see my wedding pictures.
I've decided I'm going to try a different response to confrontation. I'm not going to speak if someone is demanding something from me. I've decided to nod my head instead of saying yes or no or whatever. I think it's going to work; I just put it through a test run and my father went from "you need to do this...." at the beginning of his tiraide to "can you do that asap?" in four sentences. Operation Head Nod is officially in effect. Yea!

The highlight of my day yesterday was when my brother was flipping through his XM news stations and commenting on the weather in different cities. "Today in Detroit, the weather is going to be sucky" - next station- "Houston? sucky" - next- "Nashville? sucky" - next- "Pittsburg? sucky" -next- "Philly? sucky" -next- "Tampa? YES 81 degrees! ..... no wait... I don't live there.....sucky."

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

When it rains I feel like a child being dragged into a doctor's office for a flu shot. I have to fight with myself just to get out of bed to go to work. And when I get there, I know that I'm going to get ten phone calls about the smarties (the higher ups at UofM - I call 'em smarties) complaining about leaks in a building that has a crap roof. See, we were hired to replace it because of the crapsisity of the existing roof - now that we've started to replace it and it's beginning to crumble under our feet. Note: you're purchasing department decided it would be a good idea to be cheap so take up your complaints with them, not us you cheap cheap bastards. This is what you get when you want something important for nothing. I think the whole attitude towards the smarties right now can be summed up in a single comment made by one of our foreman: "do you like road construction? I hate it but I deal with it now so I won't have to later." bastards (I added that part :) )

I love this website not only because I can write paragraphs like the one above - but I can also make up words like crapsisity. Or craptastic. Or even anthrocrapology - the study of crappy people.

Monday, December 06, 2004

It's Monday December 6th 2004. I'm sitting at my desk, drinking a medium mocha, and wondering why I ever picked roofing to be my career. I listen to Roxanne or Lindsay talk about interviews in Detroit, in North Carolina, or in Ohio with these great companies ---- or Lindsay P interviewing in Chicago for a position in Occupational Therapy --- or Jen teaching in Grand Rapids --- or Joe D working in a research facility in Kalamazoo --- or Robbie teaching in New York.... Why did I pick roofing? Why couldn't I get a job with a nice non-family owned company with excellent pay and a real career? If I find of those jobs.......can I bring my brother too?

Friday, December 03, 2004

I'm so tired. It may be from not getting more than 6 hours of sleep a night - Maybe I need 8 to feel rested. I have a cold too which is probably making it worse.

So last night I went to work out before I went home for the day. I did the normal 10 minute warm up run then the triceps lift (45 lbs), quad lift (105 lbs), leg lift (255 lbs), and usually I focus on the bicep/bench press machine (75 lbs) at the ending of my weight work. However, last night I sit down at the press machine and although my arms are sore, I start lifting anyway. OH MY GOD. I didn't even get through half of one rep and this burning pain shoots up my arm from my elbow and stops at the middle of my chest. I dropped the weights but luckily I caught them with the foot pedal before they could touch the other weights. I sat there for a second and tried to catch my breath. I forgot how it felt to pull a muscle - it's been so long since the last time. So I stood up and walked over to the ab machines, did a couple of sets, and then finished up with 20 minutes on the bike. I tried not to quit early because of a shoulder injury but I ended up shaving a couple minutes off the bike. After that I left to go home and as soon as I got there, the muscle around my shoulder was so tight I couldn't lift my arm without pain. As the night went on, it loosened up a bit but it still sucks, even this morning. I hate injuries.

My workout routine is basic but it's helping to correct old joint and muscle problems. In all my 13 years of year-round soccer I've never had a chance to stop and focus on redeveloping strength in problem areas throughout my body. My physical therapy after injuries consisted of the "if you can run - run it off" philosophy. So now I'm 22 and have the joint and muscle problems of a 40 year old. For instance, I can't complete a full smooth rotation in my left ankle because of an old stretched/torn ligament injury; I have scar tissue in the rotator cuff in my shoulder; I have, at times, extreme lower back pain originally caused from old hip injuries, I have sensitive hip-flexor muscles from old strains, and an inverted bend in my lower left rib either from birth or injury (no one knows for sure). It's not a really big deal or anything, they're all just bothersome issues.....I'm sure people reading this have the same type of stuff.

Anyhoo- that's pretty much all the news for now. Stupid injuries.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

The Wedding Part 2

I got home Friday night at about midnight and crawled into my old bed. It was weird being back in the old room. It felt so empty not having yearbooks, homework, soccer equipment, old trophies, and posters of dead artists scattered all over the place. It reminded me of who I once was and I honestly started to feel....detached. As I laid there, staring at the ceiling, I wondered if the high school Jackie ever got a chance to meet the adult Jackie - what would she say? And then I felt a little like I was abandoning a part of myself because if that meeting were an event, I wouldn't go to it. For a few minutes after that I felt even worse about not caring about who I was and how I was repressing any of those memories and how I couldn't understand why I felt that way. ...... It's like my brain said "oh yea that's interesting, old me new me, ok next thought". And then I fell asleep.

I woke up around 7am, jumped in the shower, met the girls, and spent the majority of the morning in the hair salon. Everyone was all dolled up and gorgeous, it was awesome. My only complaint was that one of the ladies charged Jen full price to do her hair after she pretty much left Jen sitting in the chair for 45 minutes while she helped someone else. Then she told Karin and I that we didn't have nice eyebrow shapes ---- I got mine waxed there! That lady was a jerk. Anyway, we all drove back to my parents house and had mimosas and croissants before we headed upstairs to get ready. While my maid of honor was helping me with my dress, like four million people walked in - until finally Jen stood outside of the door and told people to go back downstairs. After I got my dress pulled tight and my veil in my hair, I followed my bridesmaids into the living room where the photographer (Mr. Busch - My parents' neighbor) snapped a whole bunch of good pics.

At about 1:30, the limo arrived to drive the bridesmaids and the kids out to the church to prep before the ceremony. We started to get a little nervous because people didn't seem to really arrive until 2:15ish but most made it in time so it wasn't a big deal. One of my flower girls and my ring bearer were spying for me...hehe. Anyhoo moving on... So we lined up in the corridor of the back foyer - behind the brick so no one could see my dad and I - and watched as all the girls, one by one, walked down the isle. Finally it was my turn. The whole time I was laughing at my dad's sillyness and crying because I was about to stand up in front of God and family and declare my love for my husband..err fiance at the time.

I almost lost it as I said my vows - I don't know if anyone could tell but I struggled to keep it together. The tears started comin during "you raise me up" though but luckily no one could see but Paul. I was a little bothered that we didn't get to have Father Norm at the rehersal because the wedding could've run just a little smoother but I don't know, I thought it was kind of sweet that we forgot when the flowers went to Mary and that we forgot to write Roxanne's name down as the first reader. Eh, we laugh about it now. After the ceremony, we took some more photos and then all of us got into the limo for the ride to the reception. We got there a little early but it wasn't a big deal I guess. We considered doing what Rob and Laura did -- walking in after everyone was seated, like a grand entrance of sorts -- but we knew we'd be leaving early and there were a lot of people we don't see very often and most of them are we were worried we'd miss them if we waited until after dinner.

So, that being said, there was supposed to be a receiving line as people entered the club but everyone left me. Even my husband. SO I was standing there by myself when all these people started to come up to me and everyone was talking at the same time and I tried to listen, I really did, but as Jen knows, I can't multitask so I ended up smiling and nodding and it was bad. So then I just kept walking back and forth and back and forth so that only a few people would come up to me at a time. That was much better.

Our entrances were cool I thought (just before dinner). The cake cutting was cool too - especially with the Vera Wang cake knives. I loved how the cake turned out, it was so simple! The head table was awesome and I loved the matching Vera Wang flutes. I told the waiter guy that I wanted the champagne to "keep flowin"! I'm such a dork. Anyway..........

(stop - "to be continued")

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

I worked out yesterday for the first time in a over 4 weeks. Needless to say, my arms are sore this morning.

I woke up to snow this morning. How awful is that? Well, I guess I shouldn't say that because I love snow....just not the wet, soggy, it'll-be-gone-in-a-day type snow that I found on my car at 6:30am.

You know I should stop working as a project manager and go work on the roof. Of course I wouldn't get paid for rainy days or snow days or days when the project managers don't have work but at least I'd get to know my work a little better. Can I tell you a secret? I want to be the superintendent for this company. I'm not going to say it would be easier but it seems way nicer than this position. I mean, now, I bid the jobs and if I forget something, our super jumps on my back for every mistake made. No matter what he'll attack me at every angle despite how big or small that mistake may be. My dad does it too but I can understand he's trying to teach me something - our super is nothing like that. He's moody, he's a little cocky, and he's seems like he's enjoying this "power" over me, a newbie who has little to no knowledge of roofing OR business.

That just ticks me off though. It's like he doesn't care to understand at all. It's like he picks at me because he either likes making me feel like a fool or he's just in a bad mood. Both reasons are total bullshit but what can I do? I don't want to make any excuses but I don't feel as though I deserve a bitchy, condesending(sp?) attitude. I'm trying to do my job; help me so that it doesn't happen again - don't fuckin yell and nitpick everything I do.